Dad Of The Month!

Rob Ingram

1- How do you like living in Portland, Oregon?
I enjoy Portland. As a kid we moved around a lot. Aside from Portland, we were in California the longest. I’ve found Portland to be safer, and less expensive. I also enjoy the changing seasons and access to the beach and mountains.

You are the Director for Portland's Office of Youth Violence Prevention. How would you describe your job and working with disadvantaged youths?
I love my job! I have the opportunity to work with what I consider to be our lost treasure and most precious commodity: our future leaders. It has some very difficult aspects I have to deal with. Specifically, I work with young people who are not making the best decisions. Some of them come from horrendous backgrounds and circumstances. Also, some of the young people I work with are not at a point in their lives where they are ready to change and, consequentially, end up in institutions. The beauty is when I have the opportunity to help a young person actualize success and become a contributing member of society. Also, I can admit that policy is slow moving and frustrating.

What problems and challenges do you think pose the greatest threats to our youths? How do you encourage Dads to get involved?
This generation has a myriad of problems facing them. In no particular order, we have some serious problems with drugs and alcohol, unemployment, poverty, and mental health in our country. Children are both vulnerable and impressionable so as our adults struggle, that has an adverse affect on the next generation. So now children see drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence and other things that negatively affect their development. Some of them end up dealing with those same issues, often without treatment. A lot of it is what they call coping mechanisms. In other words, do our children understand how to deal with the challenges that come with life?
It’s been said that having a dad around allows a certain amount of security for children. In that security, children are encouraged to find out who they are, what they are good at and how to handle the real world. Mothers can definitely supply that security but it’s best to have both parents. So I encourage dads to build children up, to believe in them, to recognize their potential and understand that we should be trying to help them dream, aspire and accomplish. That usually starts by doing it. It also comes from being open to communicate without being too stern. I think the age of the quiet, disconnected, militaristic father who just brought home the bacon is dead and gone. Dads should be cheerleaders and pillars to lean on!

Being a family man, what hobbies/interests do you have time for?
Well both my wife and I enjoy working out. On occasion we will go to the gym with the kids, which I think is a good thing. It exposes them to exercise as a way of life. When the weather cooperates we might go play tennis as a family. Lately I’ve been getting into golf, and have found out that the girls like it to. As a family we all enjoy watching movies and playing Wii together. For me, I enjoy playing pool and playing poker with the guys. And I enjoy writing. It’s a great form of relief, and allows me to keep track of ideas while I explore my creative side.

What do you drive?
Umm, a Chevy Tahoe. I’m kind of reluctant to answer because it’s a gas guzzler and definitely not helping the environment. My carbon footprint has got to be embarrassingly huge! I drive my SUV because we need the seats (it seats 8). Also, it’s dependable. I used to have a Land Rover, and it spent plenty of time in the shop. As the kids get old enough to drive, I’m seriously considering downsizing. I really want a motorcycle too. I used to ride year-round, but that doesn’t work with kids. Ideally, I would like a medium sized pick up truck and a motorcycle. I’d definitely save some gas money then.

What are you reading?
I have a bad habit of reading more than one book at a time. Not like a book in each hand, but I will start a book, then start another before I finish. So right now I’m finishing Life Out of Context by Walter Mosley. The caption on the cover is gripping. It says: Which includes a proposal for the non-violent takeover of the House of Representatives. It talks about Mosley’s evolution as an African American author, his sense of cultural dislocation, and a poignant call to action. I’m also reading I Am Written by Anderson Duboise III. Anderson is a young man I met while I was judging a talent competition. He is an incredible poet, and he’s still in high school. His book contains 21 poems about how he became who he is, how he feels being a young Black male and his take on where we need to go next.

What music are you listening to?
My musical preference stretches. As of this moment, I’m listening to some contemporary gospel, including Kirk Franklin, and Tye Tribbett. Fortunately I have some friends who are artists and I’m a big fan of them (not because we’re friends, but because they are good!). That includes DJ O.G. One, ASA, Real Recognize Real, Speedy Guns, TEPH, Starchile, Soul P., Ro Deezy and Toni Hill. I also like Gil Scott Heron, MAZE, Earth, Wind and Fire, Stevie Wonder and Quincy Jones; that all reminds me of my childhood. I grew up as rap music was coming alive, so I’m into Jay-Z, Tupac and the new guy Drake. I’m pretty critical of rap music. I really enjoy Chrisette Michelle, Jazzmine Sullivan, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott and Dave Hollister. I have hundreds if not thousands of CDs and probably 2000 songs on my iPod. I guess I could say my music changes with my mood.

What's the last movie you saw? How would you rate it?
Last night Dana and I watched Brothers. It was not as good as either of us thought it would be. Earlier we watched Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Sqweakel with the girls, but I “dozed off”. I actually watch the same movies over and over, like Remember the Titans, Any Given Sunday and Brown Sugar.

What do you think makes a good Dad?
Consistency, the ability to remain calm, listen and understand, is a staunch supporter of his children and what is important to them, and an ambitious spirit that encourages them to dream and accomplish what they set their minds to.

How long have you been married?
Will be 10 years this June!

Kids names and ages?
Shamyua 17
Derriel 16
Renee 15
Njeri 15
Kai 7

Describe your favorite family vacation?
Hard to call. I would probably say the time we got the entire family at the beach house in Depot Bay. For a few years that was our annual tradition. One particular year we had all five of our children, plus my sister and her children. It was not long after the Wii came out, and we played non-stop. My sister split her lip playing the bowling game. It was hilarious! A little over a year ago, we went to Palm Springs and LA for about a week. Problem was, it turned into two weeks. We were gone during that big snow storm in the winter of 08-09 and could not fly back home. We spent our Christmas in LA. We went to the movies to see Seven Pounds and ate at Sizzler. Definitely memorable.

Your thoughts on the role of being a Dad?
I think we have to understand that it is not optional. In other words, I know it can get hard and sometimes the parents don’t get along but they have to understand that kids need both parents, and that a parent being spiteful towards the other in front of kids is poisonous. As for dads, they have to understand that their role should be dictated more by the personality of the child and we have to be more responsive. There was this time where the father was the disciplinarian and the mother focused on emotional needs. That’s nonsense. Kids need to know that dad cares.

With 5 kids, how do you juggle family and work?
Luckily I can adjust my work schedule around as necessary most of the time. Dana goes to work early and gets off early, I go in later. So I get the kids up and dressed, fed and off to school in the morning. Most of the time, she gets them from school. Thing is, rarely are they finished after school, with sports, dance, and other afterschool programs.

What's your favorite thing to do with your children?
We have fun shopping. It’s interesting to see what they like. Also we bump into their friends, which is a good way to meet them and watch to see how the kids interact in pubic. See, at home it’s such a controlled environment. I like to see the real deal! Walking through the mall is a good time to have small talk, find out what’s going on in their world, and I can slide in the occasional lesson on budgeting, smart shopping and commerce.

Advice for new or soon-to-be dads?
Never have “his” or “her” roles! Do whatever needs to be done. I changed diapers, fixed bottles, bathed, and even did my daughters’ hair! There is a running joke about the time I tried to curl the girls’ hair with a curling iron…But seriously, it bothers me when dads make a big deal about being involved. I heard a guy say he had to babysit his kids. I said “dude, they are yours! You don’t babysit your own kids. You should cherish that time with them.” We share the role of parenting.

Since you didn't grow up with a Dad, what lessons has that taught you?
Actually, that taught me a lot. The first lesson is that anyone can be a father, but it takes a lot more to be a daddy. My father taught me not to be selfish, because he was. He passed away in 2008. I hadn’t seen him since I was very young, so we have no memories together. The only picture I have of us is from when I was two. I made it to his funeral in Paducah, Kentucky when he passed. Some folks asked me why I would spend my time and money to travel across the country for the services of a man that never provided for me or showed that he cared. My answer was that I forgave him long ago, and that it was the right thing to do. It was sad that because of how he lived his life, not many were enticed to attend. They say your funeral is a reflection of the lives you’ve touched.

How do you define your role in your family?
Our family is like a corporation. I am the CEO. It doesn’t mean I have absolute power. In fact, the contrary is truer. My wife is the CFO, COO, Controller and HR. The kids are the Board. They have the majority vote, and it is our job to give them what they need. I’m also the protector, the lawn service, and coach and the cheerleader. I like to pride myself on being a big supporter of my family. It is up to me to set the tone, and I want it to be one of accomplishment and success. I tell my kids daily to give it their best and learn new things. I believe those two messages keep them striving for making their better their best.

What are your major challenges as a Dad?
Women. They are everywhere. I am outnumbered. My son lives with his mother, so it’s just me in the house with all these women. Big women, little women; and they all have their own attitudes, opinions and emotions that I’m constantly trying to figure out. Just kidding. My biggest challenge is not having all of my children living with me. I love each one of them for whom they are, and wouldn’t change a thing. They each have different aspects of my personality, so it’s like watching me. But it’s hard not waking up and going to sleep in the same house every night. I call it remote parenting. Lots of text messaging. We have time together though. Now that they are all getting busier, I have to insert myself into their schedule. But that is by design. I don’t think kids need much spare time on their hands. You know what they say about idle minds...

How do you think the mainstream media portrays Dads? How would you change it?
Dads are finally starting to get a better shake in the media, but just barely. Look at music. There have been plenty of songs praising moms, thanking moms, congratulating moms. Dads get “poppa was a rolling stone.” The fact is for years, laws, policies and society ostracized fathers. Systems didn’t value fathers, and fathers found it easier to leave. I don’t excuse absent and/ or deadbeat dads, because I had one and it hurt, but families in need could not receive services if both parents were in the home, and media and messages promoted fathers leaving (I could go on about this, but I’ll save it for another time). Media has not promoted the dads that hung in there when they could have left like so many others did, and that further perpetuated the option and thinking that leaving your family was not that bad. How about a little positive reinforcement in the media? Oh, wait, that’s what Dadsworld.com is for!

What made you have such passion about and take such pride in your role as a Dad, since you didn't have a role model in your family?
That was it! Because I didn’t have my father, I promised myself when I was 16 that if I had children I would be there as best as I could. I harbored ill emotions towards my father; from guilt, to shame, to embarrassment, to anger. I wanted to find him to reconnect with him, then I wanted to find him to hurt him for hurting us, then I wanted to reconnect again. Fatherhood is not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but it is not optional. Absent fathers cost our country roughly $1 billion a year, in programs that are essentially there to replace him. (www.nfi.com). But I did have role models. My mother is my hero because I’ve seen her overcome so many obstacles and accomplish so much, against the odds. I believe she knew my father would have been more of a negative influence around, and they were not compatible. I don’t blame them for separating, it would have never worked. But I regret that my mother had to try to play both roles, especially when sometimes those roles conflict (and balance) one another. She had to try to be stern and soft at the same time and that is near impossible.

What is your business website?
www.safeyouthpdx.com I’m working hard on my personal business model and website. I am fortunate to have the opportunity and gift to speak with young people around the area, and around the country. I’ve also been able to present to and train adults that work with young people on improving strategies for more effective outcomes, which will turn our entire country around. The answers are in the next generation and their ability to correct what we’ve not.

Dad Of The Month Archives            Top