Your Children and Dating

My wife and I were talking about our dating experiences the other day.  I wanted to take a moment and discuss some of the ideas I believe in when it comes to your children dating.

First of all, I believe that dating as a teenager should be looked at as a fun activity that should usually (depending on the kids) be done with friends and in groups.  One-on-one dating is appropriate for kids who show maturity and have a good understanding (and consistent track-record) of outstanding behavior. 

When your children grow into their early adult years, 18-25 for example, I believe (sometime during those years) the dating shifts from fun experiences to actually looking for their life’s partner.  Courtship becomes the idea.  This type of dating is designed to understand the other person, learn about their life expectations and your compatabilities.  Where do you want to live, do you want children, what are your religeous beliefs, what are your financial expectations, how do you envision your family in 10 years, what are your political viewpoints, etc.  Really getting to know the person is the idea behind dating at this stage.  For this article, I will stick with just talking about teenagers and dating, since you have direct influence on your kids at this stage.

I personally believe in teaching my son to act like a gentleman.  Treat the girl like a lady, and show her respect.  Open doors for her when appropriate, walk on her outside on sidewalks, dress neat and use language becoming of a gentleman.  That’s just me, though. 

I see a lot of teens acting like little thugs and brats while out with other kids.  That’s not my ideal image for my own son.  Hopefully I will have done a good enough job of modeling for my own kids that they won’t WANT to act that way, or care to impress their friends. 

Moms and Dads should, (I believe) be involved in talking to their children about dating before it actually starts happening. 

For Dads of girls, here are a few ideas:

1- Set expectations up front.  As the father, you should be talking to the boy before the date begins.  I was very “old-fashioned” this way when I was a teenager.  I always expected to meet the parents before taking their daughter out on a date.  As a parent with a daughter now, I think it’s very important for the Dad to communicate to his daughter that he loves her and trusts her, but it is also his job to protect her. 

When you meet your daughters date, ask the boy about: how he’s doing in school, what are his favorite subjects, what are his hobbies/interests, what are his plans after high school, does he have a current job, what do his parents do for a living, what’s his family structure like, what are his beliefs, etc.  Get to know the kid before he takes your daughter on a date.  That’s really NOT unreasonable, and it was expected just a generation ago.

2- Talk with your daughter clearly about the boundaries of behavior, and not only what’s expected of her, but also talk with her about what to be aware of regarding the boy.  Discuss your policy on alcohol, drugs, kissing, time frames, types of activities, etc.  Communication is so very important, and also so lacking between parents and children these days. 

3- Be the kind of Dad that your daughter can always talk to.  Don’t judge her or immediately jump to conclusions.  Be a good listener.  Just like in the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray, don’t always try to solve her problems.  JUST LISTEN and be there for her.  Support your daughter, don’t become her adversary. 

If you have a son who is going to ask a girl out on a date, here are some ideas for you:

1- The first thing to understand is that your son learned how to treat women by watching you.  Be sure you model the kind of behavior you want to see out of him.

2- Talk with your son about love vs. physical attraction.  Teenage boys (as you well know) have very strong emotions and are driven by hormones.  Talk to your son about the difference in really caring about the girls well being (genuine concern and caring), versus just pursuing her for physical reasons.  Discuss his motivation for asking this girl out, and that can help him open up to you and give you the opportunity to answer some questions he might have.

3- Help your son keep things in perspective.  The person he dates as a teenager is extremely unlikely to be the person he eventually marries.  Teenagers (for the most part) are not prepared to handle the responsibilites of a mature, true-love relationship.  Even many adults are not prepared either!  Encourage your son to keep things in perspective, and understand that this might not develop into a serious romantic relationship.  Just have fun.

4- Be sure your son meets the girls parents and goes through that process, just like you will demand of any date your daughter brings home.  This also leads into you talking about boundaries with your son.  Talk about sex, drugs, alcohol, and appropriate behavior on a date and in every area of life.  Be sure he is clear regarding what is expected of him, and what behavior and activites you approve of. 

5- Share your own dating experiences with him.  Talk with him about how you did things, and what you learned.  This will be easy if you already have a good relationship and the respect of your son.  That will be gained over the years by your own actions and behavior.

The biggest key is to have communication well established in your family BEFORE your children start dating.  If your kids trust you, and respect you, you (and them) will be just fine.

Personally, I didn’t kiss girls on the first date.  I remember reading a “Dear Abby” book as a teenager, and I liked a lot of what she had to say.  I wanted to be sure to set a good example, and help squash the myth that all teenage boys are little punks only looking for sex.  In her book, Dear Abby said, “Don’t hand kisses out like pretzels.”  To this day I still remember that chapter.  In other words, be a person of depth and character.  Don’t get a repuatation as being “easy.”  Remember what you thought of the people who had that reputation.  Self-control is an invaluable skill in life, and it’s learned by watching you, Dad.

Kids need to learn how to interract with members of the opposite sex, and it starts to kick into gear when dating begins.  Just being around girls and being able to relax and be themselves can be a challenge for a teenage boy.  Don’t let them jump right into the physical part of dating.  Be sure they grow comfortable with themselves enough to respect the other person.  Encourage your children to talk with you about what they experience, and what questions come up.  When your son or daughter starts thinking about how their actions and behavior impacts their date and his/her family, that’s   a sign of maturity.

One of the biggest fears parents have is who their children decide to associate with.  Peers are a big influence on our youths, so be involved.  You, as a Dad, have a responsibility to be involved in your children’s lives.

If you take that seriously, then you AND your children will benefit greatly.