8 Discipline Mistakes Parents Make

Big discipline mistakes you might be making (and how to fix them).

By Amanda May

You know the drill: You give your child an ultimatum — “Get dressed or we’re staying home!” — and naturally she says, “Okay, we’ll stay home!” Might as well plant a big “L” on your forehead. We all see our discipline efforts backfire on occasion (hey, you’re tired!), and of course there are those battles just not worth fighting (no kid ever flunked preschool because his teeth were furry). But you do need to prove you’re the parent at least some of the time. Learning to avoid these discipline land mines can help you hop to it.

Way to Blow It #1: Tell a Big Ole Lie

“My two-year-old daughter, Chloe, fights me about going to her babysitter’s house every Monday,” says New Jersey mom Gina Kane. One morning when Chloe refused to get out of the car, “I pointed to the house next door and told her it was a daycare center run by the caveman from the Geico commercials, which really scare her,” says Kane. “I said she had a choice: Go to the sitter’s house or to the caveman’s daycare.” Mission accomplished — Chloe dashed to the sitter’s door. Fast-forward a week: The babysitter casually asked Kane if she knew of a daycare center in the neighborhood because her daughter couldn’t stop talking about it. “I was mortified having to explain, and Chloe now thinks that all daycare centers are run by cavemen,” Kane admits. “I’m in big trouble if I ever actually have to send her to daycare.”

A Better Way: Little white lies are so tempting in a pinch. You might even get away with them sometimes. Another mom had a great run while her toddler was afraid of a local clown named Macaroni. Whenever he refused to cooperate, she’d just say, “Maybe we should get Macaroni!” and the little guy would immediately don his pj’s or gobble his carrots. But as Kane found out, scare tactics can and do come back to bite you in the butt, so it’s best to be honest, says Bonnie Maslin, author of Picking Your Battles. Kane could have said instead, “I know sometimes you don’t want to go to your babysitter. Sometimes I don’t want to go to work.” Empathizing would have made the Monday-morning transition easier.

Way to Blow It #2: Back Down

You want a surefire way to make sure your kids never listen to you? Threaten but don’t act. My daughter Ella and I recently went for a playdate at a friend’s house, where the little girl kept snatching away whatever toy Ella picked up. Her mom would say, “Give that back to Ella or I’ll take it away,” and then turn back to our conversation. Of course, as soon as Ella moved on to another toy, the little girl wanted that one.

A Better Way: It’s no fun to be the bad guy, but if a child acts out, there has to be a consequence. “Repeatedly saying ‘If you don’t stop throwing sand, I’m going to make you leave the sandbox’ won’t stop the bad behavior,” says Bridget Barnes, coauthor of Common Sense Parenting for Toddlers and Preschoolers. “What your child hears is ‘I can keep doing this a few more times before Mom makes me stop.’”

Instead, give a warning, and then, if your child does it again, give an immediate consequence such as a time-out. If he continues, leave. The next time, a gentle reminder should do the trick: “Remember how we had to leave when you threw the sand? I hope we don’t have to go home early again today.”

Way to Blow It #3: Dis Dad (or Vice Versa)

When Polly Lugosi and her husband, Jim, take their two kids, Zoe, 5, and Miles, 2, out for a treat, this Milwaukie, OR, couple tells them that they have to behave or they won’t get it. “Unfortunately, my husband is a complete pushover and always gives them the treat even if they act up,” says Polly.

A Better Way: Even though Jim doesn’t mean to undermine Polly’s efforts, that’s exactly what he’s doing. Showing a united front won’t just help your child behave better, it’ll also prevent you from feeling like the bad guy all the time. “If you and your husband prefer to use different punishments, that’s okay — just as long as there are consequences for the same actions,” says Nancy Schulman, coauthor of Practical Wisdom for Parents: Demystifying the Preschool Years. When your child is out of earshot, create a list of rules and discuss different options, she says.

Way to Blow It #4: Bribe a Little Too Often

“My two-year-old daughter, Isabelle, has never been a great eater,” says Liz Samuel, a mom in Montclair, NJ. “So I once offered her a piece of chocolate if she would just finish her lunch.” The reward worked perfectly: Isabelle ate her chicken and sweet-potato fries — but then she demanded another treat at dinnertime. “Now, whenever I want her to eat, she asks for either chocolate or a lollipop,” complains the mom. “Plus, she’ll eat just one fry and then expect her treat.”

A Better Way: We all need to keep a good bribe up our sleeves — to get through the grocery store, a church service, or that new episode of Mad Men you had to TiVo because you were too whipped to stay up for it. But the experts insist that reinforcing good behavior is a better way to go. “So instead of saying ‘If you’re good at Grandma’s today, I’ll buy you a toy,’ try ‘I’m really proud of you for sitting so nicely during dinner at Grandma’s,’” advises Maslin. And don’t underestimate the power of disappointment. “Saying ‘I’m really sad you broke the present Daddy gave me’ makes a child feel appropriately bad about his behavior,” says Maslin. “You may feel like a terrible parent in the moment, but you’re actually helping your child develop a conscience.”

Way to Blow It #5: Break Your Own Rules

When Anne Wear’s 2-year-old son, Brandon, would do things he shouldn’t — take his mom’s car keys or pull books off the shelf, for example — this High Point, NC, mom would slap his hand and say “No, sir!” in a harsh tone of voice. “It worked great,” she says, “until his preschool teacher caught him slapping the hands of any child who took his toy or cut in front of him in line!” Wear quickly realized that she couldn’t say it was wrong for Brandon to smack his friends’ hands when she and her husband, Brian, were doing the same thing to him. “We switched to time-outs,” says Wear.

A Better Way: Not only are kids little mimics, emulating your bad behaviors, but they’ll call you on it, as Suzi Dougherty found out. Her 2-year-old, Will, knows that throwing toys in the house is a definite no-no. “But one day my husband, Chris, threw a dog toy into the next room, just to get it out from underfoot,” says this Newburgh, NY, mom. “Will immediately ordered him into a time-out! Since then, we try to be more careful and follow our own rules,” she says. “But on the plus side, at least it showed us that the ‘no throwing toys’ rule is starting to sink in!”

Way to Blow It #6: Lose It

Taking care of an active toddler requires a lot of patience. But there are times when Gabrielle Howe of Staten Island, NY, finds herself at the end of her rope when dealing with 2-year-old Thea. “One particularly trying day I completely lost it and yelled at Thea,” admits this working mom. “She then tried to send me to my room!”

A Better Way: Time-outs aren’t just for kids — they work great for adults, too. “Give yourself permission to walk away,” says Schulman. “Take a deep breath, count to ten, and then you’ll be much more effective when disciplining your child.” Walk into another room if you need to, as long as your child is safe in his crib or a childproofed room. “If you can’t leave your child alone, then you should both go into another room,” she adds. “Often a change of scenery will help you both cool off.” If your husband or a friend is around, just say “I need a break, can you handle this one?” suggests Schulman. And remember that kids are expert at pushing your buttons, but if you can avoid letting the situation escalate by giving one warning and then an immediate consequence, it may help keep you both calm.

Way to Blow It #7: Wait Too Long

Recently I was stuck in traffic with my 2-year-old daughter, Ella, when she started getting fidgety and tried to wiggle out of her car seat. Frustrated by both the slow trip home and the endless rounds of “Row, row, row your boat,” I told her that if she didn’t put her buckle back on correctly, she wouldn’t get to have a bedtime story that night — a technique that works great when my daughter’s procrastinating about getting into her pajamas or brushing her teeth before bed. This time, though, bedtime was hours away — and the threat pretty much meaningless. Ella didn’t stop playing with her seat buckle, and it seemed pointless to remind her about it hours later when she was getting ready for bed.

A Better Way: “Kids don’t remember what they did wrong an hour after the fact, never mind the next day,” says Barnes. “You want to show them the consequences of their actions as close to the bad behavior as possible.” If your child hits a friend with a toy truck, don’t cancel tomorrow’s playdate — just take away the truck.

Way to Blow It #8: Talk On… and On… and On

My husband, Patrick, tends to launch into long explanations with Ella, like how going to sleep is a good idea because she’ll feel well rested for our upcoming busy day at Grandma’s house. Tempting as it can be to try and reason with a young child, you might as well be speaking gibberish.

A Better Way: “Kids are not mini-adults,” says Barnes. “Long explanations or instructions go right over their heads.” Saying “No cookies before dinner” is enough to get the point across; you can skip the lecture about how sweets will spoil a tiny appetite. Keep your words age-appropriate, too. “I had one parent who was tired of always telling his son to stop whining,” says Barnes. “Then one day his child finally asked, ‘What’s whining?’” It’s okay to use a term like whining as long as you explain what you mean: “I can’t understand you when you whine. Please use your big-boy voice.”

Getting Back on Track

You gave a warning, then caved in. Or you yelled at your kid- for yelling at you. Below, how to fix your own bad behavior, from Nancy Schulman, coauthor of Practical Wisdom for Parents.

Get Over It “We all make mistakes,” says Schulman. “Don’t beat yourself up. Just say ‘I know I said — or did — something I shouldn’t have. Let’s try to all follow these rules from now on.’”
Take it Slow Even if you feel like your discipline techniques need to be completely overhauled, pick two of your top issues and start there. Don’t overwhelm your child with 20 new rules. “Sit down when he’s calm and go over the rules so he knows what’s expected of him,” says Schulman.
Work Around It Let’s say your child always has a tantrum over what to eat for breakfast. Rather than duke it out each morning, offer your child just two choices — say, cereal or eggs — so he can still feel in control.
Give it Time “It takes time to undo a pattern of bad behavior,” notes Schulman. “If you start being consistent, they’ll catch on. It may take ten or twenty times, but they’ll get it.”

“Your abilities are really not according to your learning or your education.  Your abilities are according to your imagination.  If you can see it (in your mind’s eye), you can bring it into being.”  Lester Sumrall, in his book “Imagination: Hidden Force of Human Potential.”

One point of that is that until you can correct and control your though life, you cannot control your real life actions.  We must get inside our minds to learn to discipline our thought life BEFORE we can discipline the hands and feet and our actions.

As Robert Stuberg said in “Creating Your Ultimate Destiny,”  “Actions are the physical result and manifestation of mental decisions.  Your thoughts control your actions, and therefore your life.  A mind of great thoughts has no room for small thoughts.”  So, when you are planning on creating your family, be sure to imagine and think about how you would like it to look.  Don’t just drift along and end up somewhere that you never intended, be PURPOSEFUL and create your life in your mind, then go to work to make it happen.

Napolean Hill, in his book “Think and Grow Rich” wrote:  “Everything is a state of mind.  This includes health, wealth, and happiness.  For example, if your thoughts are on health — the best health possible for you will come to you.  Your mind can become your greatest asset — or your worst nightmare, depending on how you care for it.” 

Are you purposeful when it comes to your family?  Your role as a parent?  Your career?  Or, do you just let the chips fall where they may and deal with it later? 

Part of being an involved and loving Dad is to take a leadership role in your family, and create in your mind the desired result before you create it in reality.  Take some time to think about where you are, where you want to be and how you are going to make that happen.

Thanks for caring about your family and being an involved Dad.  We need more of you!  Have a great day.

If I had My Child to Raise Over Again,

I’d finger paint more, and point the finger less.

I’d do less correcting, and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less, and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I’d run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging, and less tugging.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I’d teach less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.

Go to their website at http://www.toydirectory.com/monthly/str2/indexc.asp and search the vast directory of toys.  When you click on a toy you want to view, it gives you a detailed product description, the TDmonthly review, information about where it’s made, what it’s made of and even a product video.  On top of all that, they link you to websites where you can buy the toys (be sure to check Dadsworld!)  Pretty amazing and thorough website.  As a parent who loves toys myself, I will be using this site regularly! 

I am always amazed at the good information that you can find on the internet (if you know where to look), and this website is just another fine example of people helping others.  I like how they list the toys by: gender, age, category and price.  I encourage you to visit their site and sign up for their online magazine!

When starting a company, which I have done, it’s not all about talent.  It’s about work-ethic, philosophy, passion and belief. 

Sometimes you have to be desparate.  We have so much invested… that is good.

Paul Meyer’s mom told him “God wants you to be rich.  Promise me you won’t settle for money.”

Confidence and belief are more important that sales techniques.

As Zig Ziglar (who is a member of Dadsworld.com, by the way) said, “If you help enough other people get what they want, you can have everything you want.”

In these tough economic times, getting back to basics is the key.  Success is all about passion and desire.  Don’t settle for less than your goals.  Refuse to lose.  Energy, vitality, emotion.  Those traits will take you to your desired goals.  Jim Rohn said once, and I think it’s a great line, “Work on your gifts and they will make room for you.” 

Hard work, desire and an unrelenting determination WILL lead you to success.  We don’t always get to our desired destination the way we had planned, or in the time frame we imagined.  But, as Calvin Coolidge said, “Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”  Here is the full quote:     “Press on: nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance.  Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.  Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”

When times are tough, and it seems like I have been getting nowhere, I often think of the following quote that I read somewhere when I was younger:  “In the battle between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins.  NOT through strength, but through persistence.”  Be like the stream.  Good and bad economic times both come and go, but your own personal direction, focus and effort should remain the same. 

And never forget, what follows expansions (2003-2005)??  Recessions.  (2006-2008)  What follows ressessions???? …… you guessed it…. Expansions.  Be prepared and be diligent and be persistent.  Right now is gut-check time.  Time to get back to basics and summon all of your passion and desire.  You can do it.  The world meets nobody halfway.  If you want it, you’ve got to take it.  Now go make it happen.

I don’t know why so many people are negative, cynical and hostile.  I do know that it’s no way to go through the miracle gift we have been given, LIFE.  The constant and never-ending improvement (CANI) idea is a good one.  Never stop learning, growing and discovering.  Be a good reader and thinker.  The immediate benefits are many, but the long-term effects are life-changing. 

Please don’t ever think that you know it all.  Nobody knows all there is to know about even 1 subject.  We all operate from a certain degree of ignorance.  It really is true that the more we learn, the more we realize that we don’t know.  Keep an open mind, every situation contains a lesson, every cause has an effect.  Everyone we meet is valuable and can be learned from.  People who think they know it all always live unfulfilling and shallow lives, whether or not they will admit it.  True peace of mind only comes from knowing we are doing all we can, and really learning and growing.  The essence of life is growth.

Another important concept is to be true to yourself.  Always and forever.  You know wrong vs right.  Regardless of what others do, say or think.  Here is what’s important: what YOU do, say and think.  Follow this philosophy and you can’t go wrong in the long run.

Opportunities to cheat, cram, lie, cut corners, be unfaithful, etc. WILL come along.  How you handle the situation is up to you.  How you handle the situation will determine the course of your life.  Please, do what is right.  You will be so glad you did.  There will be times when you question your own decisions, but believe me – short term gain is not worth long term pain.  As Jim Rohn said, “Discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.”

Remember, NOTHING worthwhile comes easily and quickly.  You can cram for a test, but then you didn’t really learn the material.  You will wish you had learned it sooner or later.  It’s best to do it right the first time. 

Here is a true example of personal power:  I was in Baltimore, Maryland a few years ago doing trainings for sales companies.  Between presentations, I was on my way to Landover and I was pulled over by a Maryland State Trooper.  I was going 75mph in a 65mph zone.  I was given a ticket for $72.  I learned a valuable lesson, keep it under 70!  While talking with the officer I was respectful, I did not make any excuses or argue in any way.  I WAS speeding.  I could have said that others were speeding too, that I was in a hurry to an appointment (which I was), that there wasn’t much traffic, etc.  But that wouldn’t have helped.  I have learned to pay full price for all that I want and do.  There are no free rides.  Self-responisbility is a great philosophy.  I wasn’t even discouraged.  Oh, sure I wish I didn’t get the ticket!  But after it was inevitable, I accepted it as a fact, and then started thinking about what a great day I was having, and how to maximize my next presentation, which turned out to be my best of the day!

Be committed to reach your potential and help everyone you meet along the way.  Like Og Mandino said, “Greet each day with Love in your heart.”  We need more of that philosophy going around these days.

 We have 3 very exciting new Dads lined up for our Dad of the Month feature.  I am not going to tell you who they are yet, but I will tell you that one is a business owner and entrepreneur, one is a record label executive and one is a professional fighter (MMA) and  Olympic silver medal winner.  You will have to stay tuned to www.dadsworld.com to find out who they are and read their interviews!

Some thoughts on the kind of person a Real Dad is: A Real Dad is kind, caring, forgiving, patient, guiding, teaching and inspiring.  Those are the best of qualities that we need to bring out of ourselves as Dads.  Responsible is another good trait for a parent.  If you don’t know where your child is tonight, or what they are doing with whom, then you have no right to demand more police.  It all starts in the home.  Responsibility is a must for Dads.  Remember, you are not your childs friend… you are their Dad.

Random thought about life I was just having:  Everytime I’ve grown in my life, I’ve had to stretch outside my comfort zone.  It was hardest just before it became easy.  It’s kind of like when you fly on an airplane.  What’s the first thing they tell you to do when you sit down on the plane?  Fasten your seatbelt.  You are going to another altitude, another level if you will.  You ARE going to experience some turbulence.  Expect it.  Be ready for it and fight your way through it.

With all of the fear out there about the economy, I got to thinking about how to overcome fear.  Crush it!  Defeat it with your own personal power, which comes from activity.  DO something about it.  Americans have been down before, but we always overcome.  We perservere.  It’s time to quit worrying about things and start making things happen.  Bring value, and you will be rewarded.  That’s what Americans are historically good at, making things happen and getting results when they most badly need them. 

I was thinking about the swimmer, Jason Lezak, earlier.  In the Beijing Olympics he was behind Alain Bernard of France, the world record holder, by nearly a body length at the halfway point of their relay race.  Rowdy Gaines, the announcer and former Olympic swimmer, said 4 times that he (Lezak) couldn’t do it (win.)  Yet Lezak didn’t give up.  Not only that, he dug deep and pulled off a miraculous upset victory!  Great things can be done if we beleive in ourselves and don’t give up.  Dig deep and you can make miracles happen.

If you haven’t bought your new Dad for Life shirt yet, be sure to go to the Dadsworld store and get yours!  I am extremely proud of how they turned out. 

We started off last evening walking to the grade school after eating dinner at about 6pm.  We played on the swings, slides and elaborate play structure for about 20 minutes, then he exlpored the school grounds, climbing stairs, rolling balls down ramps, running through the field and generally having a good time.  We then headed “uptown” as we like to say.  Alex loves going “uptown” because there are so many interesting things to see and do.  We saw several motorcycles, bicycles, 3 Jeeps (he loves jeeps), 2 ski boats on trailers and even a Hummer.  We stopped by the pet shop and visited the kitty cats, walked by the insurance office and looked at the model cars in the window, and then we headed over to the fire station for an up close look at the big, red, fire engine.  A few steps away from that and we were looking through the window at a young lady making pizza at the local pizza restaurant.  We watched her knead the dough, spread the sauce and sprinkle the cheese.  Alex and the young lady exchanged smiles and he skipped (literally) along the sidewalk to his next favorite spot, the waterfall.  The local deck and landscape company has an elaborate water feature and flower garden on it’s property.  After being satisfied with the waterfall, we then made our way back toward our house, only to see Mom heading our way with his little sister!  Then, we continued the adventure by going back uptown with the whole family.  When we finally made it home, it was about 7:45 and time for Alex to get ready for bed.  It was a (typical) great evening.

It’s fun to see the excitement and interest on a 2 year olds face when experiencing normal, everyday things that we adults sometimes take for granted.  That’s one of the big benefits of being a parent, you get to be young at heart again. 

This evening was the Farmers Market, which comes to our town every Tuesday.  The adventures were everywhere tonight, and even included a 15 minute turn in the big, air inflated jumping room complete with slide (which we both did many, many times.)  We listened to the live singers, petted several dogs and met quite a few people (little kids, especially his 5 week old sister, are magnets for attention from others.)  All in all, another great evening in the neighborhood.   

That’s one of the benefits of living in a community like ours, we walk everywhere.  Within literally 7/10’s of a mile of our house we have 10-12 restaurants, a grade school, a big park with 3 baseball fields, the river with an excellent boat dock, many small shops and business’ as well as historic homes, a fire station, 2 churches and even a meteorite! 

I think it’s a great place for Alex to grow up, and we will continue to explore and frequent all the hot spots in our neighborhood!

“Herman is a graduate of Jamestown College, where he earned a double degree in Psychology/Sociology. He was a two-time All-American, and captured seven NDCAC individual titles in the triple jump and long jump. Herman was also inducted into the College Athletic Hall of Fame.

Coach Johnson has been a fitness consultant and track coach for over 30 years. He has served as an assistant coach at Hudson’s Bay High School in Vancouver, Washington, since 1998, and continues to work with the Eagles. He also currently assists the jumpers at Clark Community College. He was also a coach at Mt. Hood Community College before accepting the position at Concordia, and has coached champion jumpers at the 2A, 3A, and 4A high school levels, as well as a number of NWWAC champions.

Herman is certified in Sports Hypnotism and Personal Training, and is a practitioner of Myoskeletal Alignment and Emotional Freedom Technique.

Herman and his wife, Karen are the parents of five children, and also have three fast-moving grandchildren who have a hard time keeping up with their grandfather.”

I met Herman a few years ago at a Waterski tournament in Washington State that I was competing in.  He was working on the athletes doing massage and helping them warm up and recover from their events.  My wife was having severe cramps in her leg and hip, and I told her to go talk with Herman.  He helped her out on the spot, and that started a series of treatments for both my wife and myself.  Herman is very good at helping the body heal itself, and at putting you in the right frame of mind to become healthier. 

I had never heard of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) until I met Herman, but I have to say that it has worked for both my wife (putting an end to her migraine headaches) and myself (I no longer get an upset stomach after eating greasy food such as pizza.)  Amazing stuff.

It is obvious that Herman has a love for life and a genuine curiosity about other people.  He can usually be found at an athletic event, coaching, training and encouraging athletes!

Herman has a very posititve attitude and a carefree style of living.  He’s fun to be around and still in amazing shape.  We are happy to have Herman as our Dad of the Month for October!  I encourage you to check out his website at www.herman8er.com

I will be doing a drawing (or contest) next month for one of her DVD’s as well as the usual T-shirt drawing.  Only Dadsworld members are eligible for the drawing, so if you haven’t signed up as a Dadsworld member yet, do it now!  It’s free and will continue to get more valuable as our site grows and adds more features, sponsors and vendor discounts.

All Dadsworld members are automatically entered into the monthly T-shirt drawings, FYI. 

Here is a short excerpt from her website:

“In my years working both as a Midwife, and as a Neonatal Intensive Care nurse, I had always included the Dad, and kept both parents informed about matters that affected their baby. It was only when I was putting together my fun educational video for first time parents (I had realized that many parents were actually looking for information like this, and it was not available), that I decided to break with tradition and film the Dad and a Male Midwife demonstrating how to care for a new baby. I decided to check what research had been done on the Role of the Father to find out what the Scientific Research showed about how important Dad really is.

Of course I knew that Dads are important – but I didn’t realize how important they are, how their involvement, or lack of involvement will have an impact on the long-term outcome of their infant/child. I thought that a “super duper- mother” could make up for any lacking father. This is not the case at all!! It is so important that the Dad is involved – right from the start – and in a positive way. I really believe that if every first time Mom and Dad knew about this, they would be doing everything they could to ensure that their baby is going to have the best chance in life.”  Ros Vroom

 I strongly encourage you to take a look at her website, and if you are a new or soon-to-be parent, I highly recommend her DVD.