8 Discipline Mistakes Parents Make

Big discipline mistakes you might be making (and how to fix them).

By Amanda May

You know the drill: You give your child an ultimatum — “Get dressed or we’re staying home!” — and naturally she says, “Okay, we’ll stay home!” Might as well plant a big “L” on your forehead. We all see our discipline efforts backfire on occasion (hey, you’re tired!), and of course there are those battles just not worth fighting (no kid ever flunked preschool because his teeth were furry). But you do need to prove you’re the parent at least some of the time. Learning to avoid these discipline land mines can help you hop to it.

Way to Blow It #1: Tell a Big Ole Lie

“My two-year-old daughter, Chloe, fights me about going to her babysitter’s house every Monday,” says New Jersey mom Gina Kane. One morning when Chloe refused to get out of the car, “I pointed to the house next door and told her it was a daycare center run by the caveman from the Geico commercials, which really scare her,” says Kane. “I said she had a choice: Go to the sitter’s house or to the caveman’s daycare.” Mission accomplished — Chloe dashed to the sitter’s door. Fast-forward a week: The babysitter casually asked Kane if she knew of a daycare center in the neighborhood because her daughter couldn’t stop talking about it. “I was mortified having to explain, and Chloe now thinks that all daycare centers are run by cavemen,” Kane admits. “I’m in big trouble if I ever actually have to send her to daycare.”

A Better Way: Little white lies are so tempting in a pinch. You might even get away with them sometimes. Another mom had a great run while her toddler was afraid of a local clown named Macaroni. Whenever he refused to cooperate, she’d just say, “Maybe we should get Macaroni!” and the little guy would immediately don his pj’s or gobble his carrots. But as Kane found out, scare tactics can and do come back to bite you in the butt, so it’s best to be honest, says Bonnie Maslin, author of Picking Your Battles. Kane could have said instead, “I know sometimes you don’t want to go to your babysitter. Sometimes I don’t want to go to work.” Empathizing would have made the Monday-morning transition easier.

Way to Blow It #2: Back Down

You want a surefire way to make sure your kids never listen to you? Threaten but don’t act. My daughter Ella and I recently went for a playdate at a friend’s house, where the little girl kept snatching away whatever toy Ella picked up. Her mom would say, “Give that back to Ella or I’ll take it away,” and then turn back to our conversation. Of course, as soon as Ella moved on to another toy, the little girl wanted that one.

A Better Way: It’s no fun to be the bad guy, but if a child acts out, there has to be a consequence. “Repeatedly saying ‘If you don’t stop throwing sand, I’m going to make you leave the sandbox’ won’t stop the bad behavior,” says Bridget Barnes, coauthor of Common Sense Parenting for Toddlers and Preschoolers. “What your child hears is ‘I can keep doing this a few more times before Mom makes me stop.’”

Instead, give a warning, and then, if your child does it again, give an immediate consequence such as a time-out. If he continues, leave. The next time, a gentle reminder should do the trick: “Remember how we had to leave when you threw the sand? I hope we don’t have to go home early again today.”

Way to Blow It #3: Dis Dad (or Vice Versa)

When Polly Lugosi and her husband, Jim, take their two kids, Zoe, 5, and Miles, 2, out for a treat, this Milwaukie, OR, couple tells them that they have to behave or they won’t get it. “Unfortunately, my husband is a complete pushover and always gives them the treat even if they act up,” says Polly.

A Better Way: Even though Jim doesn’t mean to undermine Polly’s efforts, that’s exactly what he’s doing. Showing a united front won’t just help your child behave better, it’ll also prevent you from feeling like the bad guy all the time. “If you and your husband prefer to use different punishments, that’s okay — just as long as there are consequences for the same actions,” says Nancy Schulman, coauthor of Practical Wisdom for Parents: Demystifying the Preschool Years. When your child is out of earshot, create a list of rules and discuss different options, she says.

Way to Blow It #4: Bribe a Little Too Often

“My two-year-old daughter, Isabelle, has never been a great eater,” says Liz Samuel, a mom in Montclair, NJ. “So I once offered her a piece of chocolate if she would just finish her lunch.” The reward worked perfectly: Isabelle ate her chicken and sweet-potato fries — but then she demanded another treat at dinnertime. “Now, whenever I want her to eat, she asks for either chocolate or a lollipop,” complains the mom. “Plus, she’ll eat just one fry and then expect her treat.”

A Better Way: We all need to keep a good bribe up our sleeves — to get through the grocery store, a church service, or that new episode of Mad Men you had to TiVo because you were too whipped to stay up for it. But the experts insist that reinforcing good behavior is a better way to go. “So instead of saying ‘If you’re good at Grandma’s today, I’ll buy you a toy,’ try ‘I’m really proud of you for sitting so nicely during dinner at Grandma’s,’” advises Maslin. And don’t underestimate the power of disappointment. “Saying ‘I’m really sad you broke the present Daddy gave me’ makes a child feel appropriately bad about his behavior,” says Maslin. “You may feel like a terrible parent in the moment, but you’re actually helping your child develop a conscience.”

Way to Blow It #5: Break Your Own Rules

When Anne Wear’s 2-year-old son, Brandon, would do things he shouldn’t — take his mom’s car keys or pull books off the shelf, for example — this High Point, NC, mom would slap his hand and say “No, sir!” in a harsh tone of voice. “It worked great,” she says, “until his preschool teacher caught him slapping the hands of any child who took his toy or cut in front of him in line!” Wear quickly realized that she couldn’t say it was wrong for Brandon to smack his friends’ hands when she and her husband, Brian, were doing the same thing to him. “We switched to time-outs,” says Wear.

A Better Way: Not only are kids little mimics, emulating your bad behaviors, but they’ll call you on it, as Suzi Dougherty found out. Her 2-year-old, Will, knows that throwing toys in the house is a definite no-no. “But one day my husband, Chris, threw a dog toy into the next room, just to get it out from underfoot,” says this Newburgh, NY, mom. “Will immediately ordered him into a time-out! Since then, we try to be more careful and follow our own rules,” she says. “But on the plus side, at least it showed us that the ‘no throwing toys’ rule is starting to sink in!”

Way to Blow It #6: Lose It

Taking care of an active toddler requires a lot of patience. But there are times when Gabrielle Howe of Staten Island, NY, finds herself at the end of her rope when dealing with 2-year-old Thea. “One particularly trying day I completely lost it and yelled at Thea,” admits this working mom. “She then tried to send me to my room!”

A Better Way: Time-outs aren’t just for kids — they work great for adults, too. “Give yourself permission to walk away,” says Schulman. “Take a deep breath, count to ten, and then you’ll be much more effective when disciplining your child.” Walk into another room if you need to, as long as your child is safe in his crib or a childproofed room. “If you can’t leave your child alone, then you should both go into another room,” she adds. “Often a change of scenery will help you both cool off.” If your husband or a friend is around, just say “I need a break, can you handle this one?” suggests Schulman. And remember that kids are expert at pushing your buttons, but if you can avoid letting the situation escalate by giving one warning and then an immediate consequence, it may help keep you both calm.

Way to Blow It #7: Wait Too Long

Recently I was stuck in traffic with my 2-year-old daughter, Ella, when she started getting fidgety and tried to wiggle out of her car seat. Frustrated by both the slow trip home and the endless rounds of “Row, row, row your boat,” I told her that if she didn’t put her buckle back on correctly, she wouldn’t get to have a bedtime story that night — a technique that works great when my daughter’s procrastinating about getting into her pajamas or brushing her teeth before bed. This time, though, bedtime was hours away — and the threat pretty much meaningless. Ella didn’t stop playing with her seat buckle, and it seemed pointless to remind her about it hours later when she was getting ready for bed.

A Better Way: “Kids don’t remember what they did wrong an hour after the fact, never mind the next day,” says Barnes. “You want to show them the consequences of their actions as close to the bad behavior as possible.” If your child hits a friend with a toy truck, don’t cancel tomorrow’s playdate — just take away the truck.

Way to Blow It #8: Talk On… and On… and On

My husband, Patrick, tends to launch into long explanations with Ella, like how going to sleep is a good idea because she’ll feel well rested for our upcoming busy day at Grandma’s house. Tempting as it can be to try and reason with a young child, you might as well be speaking gibberish.

A Better Way: “Kids are not mini-adults,” says Barnes. “Long explanations or instructions go right over their heads.” Saying “No cookies before dinner” is enough to get the point across; you can skip the lecture about how sweets will spoil a tiny appetite. Keep your words age-appropriate, too. “I had one parent who was tired of always telling his son to stop whining,” says Barnes. “Then one day his child finally asked, ‘What’s whining?’” It’s okay to use a term like whining as long as you explain what you mean: “I can’t understand you when you whine. Please use your big-boy voice.”

Getting Back on Track

You gave a warning, then caved in. Or you yelled at your kid- for yelling at you. Below, how to fix your own bad behavior, from Nancy Schulman, coauthor of Practical Wisdom for Parents.

Get Over It “We all make mistakes,” says Schulman. “Don’t beat yourself up. Just say ‘I know I said — or did — something I shouldn’t have. Let’s try to all follow these rules from now on.’”
Take it Slow Even if you feel like your discipline techniques need to be completely overhauled, pick two of your top issues and start there. Don’t overwhelm your child with 20 new rules. “Sit down when he’s calm and go over the rules so he knows what’s expected of him,” says Schulman.
Work Around It Let’s say your child always has a tantrum over what to eat for breakfast. Rather than duke it out each morning, offer your child just two choices — say, cereal or eggs — so he can still feel in control.
Give it Time “It takes time to undo a pattern of bad behavior,” notes Schulman. “If you start being consistent, they’ll catch on. It may take ten or twenty times, but they’ll get it.”

We have so many exciting changes coming to the site!  Many of them are subtle, but others are obvious.  You will see the “Featured Dad” as a regular feature on the homepage.  It gets a little more in depth than the “Dad of the Month” interview, and goes into the biography of the Dad in greater detail. 

We just launched our twitter page (actually, I created it in October of 2007, but didn’t do anything with it until last month). 

Our facebook page has a similar story.  I created it over 2 years ago, but just last December really started adding content to it.  Facebook is an amazing tool.  It certainly can be a time-waster, but it also can be a powerful marketing tool, research tool and a great way to stay in touch with friends, family and clients.  If facebook were a counrty, it would be #4 in total population!  Incredible number of users. 

We are working on improving our log-in page, we are going to be adding an “outdoor recreation” column on the articles page, we are working toward a corporate sponsorship for the site and we are going to be adding some guest bloggers. 

I have received requests from Dads who write  colums or blogs to write for Dadsworld, so you will start to see some of their posts soon.  If you are a Dad, or know one who would like to write the occasional post for our blog, be sure to contact me.  info@dadsworld.com is the email address.

We are also adding more parenting statistics to the site, as this seems to be a very popular feature.

I am excited about our first “Featured Dad” interview, which is coming soon.  The Dad is an ultra-successful entrepreneur who has some outstanding ideas.  Look for that interview to go up this week.

Thanks for supporting involved Dads, and be sure to tell your friends and family about our website.  Have a great day!

We had a good system going where a couple of guys would cut the apples in half, two others would feed the grinder and we took turns on the manual (screw) press.  When one bucket of apples was pressed, we switched it out with the bucket from the grinder, and kept going continuously that way for hours.  We spent the better part of 4 hours running the process, and only finished off 1 of the 3 pallets, and a little bit of the second one.  That’s a lot of apples!  I personally ate 3, and drank quite a lot of juice… good stuff.  We had a huge bag of empty gallon jugs that must have come from some supply store.  Last year over 150 gallons of juice was made, and we were on pace for that again this year.

We put the dried up, pressed apple waste into my cousins tractor scoop, and when it was full, my son Alex and I went for a tractor ride to go dump the stuff on the other side of the property.  The deer will surely have a good supply to munch on.  Alex loved the ride and I enjoyed the break from turning the press.

While the guys were out making the juice, my wife and kids were inside visiting and playing with their cousins, making home-made chilli and having a good time.  I always enjoy getting together with this side of my family.  The people are all interesting, successful and “real.” 

It’s really neat to see the young kids all around each other, the next generation.  I have good memories of getting together with these same people for Christmas and Thanksgiving when I was a kid.  We would spend the day playing football or riding dirt bikes or playing basketball.  We all got along well, and still do.  There is quite a variety of people (from varied professions) as well, which always makes for good stories and conversation.  It amazes me to see many of these people with children, and some whose children HAVE children!  I remember some of my cousins when they were babies, and now they are graduating from college and having families of their own.  These kids that I used to help take care of are now Moms and Dads themselves.  I’m only 38 years old.  I FEEL like I’m still 20.  (other than the nagging pain in my left foot, my bad wrist and my creaking bones when I get up in the morning!) 

I hope you have some family that you care about to get together with this year at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Don’t take the special people in your life for granted… relationships are golden.

There is no doubt as to the importance of Dads.  Why in the world does Hollywood and other pop-culture outlets continue to promote having children without a Dad???  Are these people really trying to run our great country into the ground, or are they all just really that ignorant?  Overwhelmingly, Children- healthy, self-confident, well-adjusted, and intelligent children… have involved Dads.  THAT is what we should be promoting, celebrating and teaching.  Involved parents, Mom AND Dad.

It infuriates me to continually see young girls wanting to get pregnant.  Some don’t even WANT the man to be involved, so they get a sperm donation, which I am strongly opposed to… except for very specific cases.  It’s not fair to the child to raise him or her without their Dad.  Do the research, it’s very clear.

Isn’t it obvious to everyone else that the majority (not ALL, but the large majority) of children who don’t have strong, loving and involved Dads end up in trouble?  Why do you think this is?  It’s partly because the child lacks a role model.  If the child grows up without seeing how a man is supposed to act, that child will rely on television, movies and popular culture for the information.  Have you seen how men (especially Dads) are portrayed in these outlets?  They are not portrayed well.  More often than not, they are portrayed as uninvolved, selfish, detached, dumb, lazy and immature.  That is NOT the message we need to be sending our children.  And that is NOT the reality for the majority of today’s Dads.  Dads today are more involved than ever!  Let’s not only give the children that great role model (Dad), let’s show the world just how involved we are.  Let’s get the corporations, advertisers and marketers to wake up and start promoting the right things. 

A child needs to see the Dad treating the Mom with love, affection and kindness.  That child needs to see the Dad working hard, solving problems, struggling and succeeding – all while being a gentleman and a capable leader.  Setting a good example of how a MAN is supposed to act, that’s what Dads need to do.  And it’s what the media should focus on.  Dads today are better than ever at being involved, loving and spending time with their children.  Yet we still see the same worn-out, tired cliche’s of bumbling moronic Dads.

Help Dadsworld.com change that.  Tell others about our site, and encourage them to be involved as a parent.  Encourage them to spread the word and make it the “in” thing to do.  Wear your Dadsworld.com shirt with pride.  Help us create a movement.  Dads matter.  Read the statistics section of our website, you will be shocked.

Be involved.  Encourage others to do the same.  And don’t tolerate anything less.  Our children really do depend on us.

We had originally gone to see Iron Man, as I am a big superhero guy and she likes them as well.  Unfortunately, when we got to the theatre, we were basically 5 minutes early for the movie, and the line outside looked to be at least 10-15 minutes long.  Neither of us want to see a movie from the front row of the theatre, or come in 10 minutes into it.  We got in line and saw that Indiana Jones was playing in 25 minutes, so we figured we would see that. 

Unfortunately again, as we were waiting in the slowest moving of the 6 lines (no kidding, the line next to us could have saved us about 5 minutes!) Indiana Jones sold out.  So we were down to our third choice, and the only one left that played anywhere near our required time-frame, Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian.  We opted for that one, and got our tickets.  After about 25 minutes of waiting in line for popcorn and a drink, we settled down to watch Prince Caspian.  The movie was fine from my point of view, not fantastic but entertaining.  We had seen the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe previously, and my wife and I read some of C.S. Lewis’ books when we were younger.

What really bothered my about the movie is the fact that most of the scenes in the entire movie were less than 3 seconds long.  Many scenes were under 2 seconds!  This led to me having a raging headache by the end, and it left me wondering why modern movies do this.  Doesn’t anybody remember when actors actually had to act?  Not the cinematogrophers and effects people doing the acting?  What happened to the still shot with the characters having a dialogue?  No wonder kids today have ADHD, the movies flash from scene to scene and image to image in 1 or 2 seconds!  You are subjected to over 2 hours of this!  Unbelievable.

I guess I expect too much or am getting older, but I can hardly stand to watch these modern films.  The previews are even worse.  MANY of the previews didn’t have ANY scenes that lasted more than 1 second.  ONE SECOND.  Really.  I know it’s a good way to create energy, drama, feelings of chaos, action, etc.  but I would really much rather have the script and the actors do that.  Not cutting and dicing constantly to a new scene.  I just don’t like the way many movies are made these days.

What’s next?  Sensory overload films with nothing but flashing images for 2 hours?  The images come at you at a rate of about 10 per second, loud music will be blaring and they will call it a movie.  No thanks.

The other thing that bothered me is the number and ages of the children in the movie theater.  This was too violent a film for kids under 5-7 years old, in my opinion.  Yet I see kids younger than that watching it,  and watching Pirates of the Carribean, etc.  Violence is acceptable, I guess, to many parents of young kids.  Film and video game ratings seem to be more of a joke than a guide for parents.  I know many kids playing M (18+ mature) video games when they are under 10 years old.  I have seen many kids under ten watch rated R (17+) movies and PG-13 might as well be G.  What happened to our innocent youth?  Looks like for many kids, they are long gone. 

When you read the book as a child, your own imagination created the scenes in your head.  Violence in a book was reletive to your ability and experience with it.  Seeing a person in a movie get stabbed, violently beat-up or shot is too graphic for young children.  These kids should be reading these types of stories, not seeing the movies yet.  But then again, I guess I am a little old fashioned. 

I believe in absolutes.  There is a right and a wrong.  There is good and evil.  There is truth in the world.  I don’t buy into the sliding scale of ethics.  It doesn’t matter how it affects me personally, that is not a determination of right or wrong.  Many times the right path is the harder path, and the easier path is the wrong path.  Convenience and ease don’t relate to ethics.

I’m not saying you have to live perfectly, I don’t know anyone who is perfect.  But I am saying that we make choices normally based on how they affect ourselves, and we know what’s right and what’s wrong.  To benefit oneself at the expense of another is wrong.  Many people don’t think much about these things, I guess because it would mean facing up to the fact that they are living life by abusing others.  Some people probably don’t care, others avoid reality by immursing themselves in distracting activites.

I used to do sales and personal development trainings all over the country, and many people would come up to me and say that they didn’t like themselves very much.  They drank too much, or didn’t spend enough time with their families, or cheated on their spouses, or treated their bodies like “woodsheds instead of temples,” or gave up on their dreams.  Professional, “successful,” adults would routinely tell me stories like this. 

I was always amazed at the fact that people have been given the power of free-will and choice, and yet they choose to undermine themselves!  For me, it all boils down to how you feel about yourself.  Your self-image.  If you routinely do the right thing, your self-image will improve and your personal power will get stronger.  If you put off doing what’s right, and instead partake in what’s fun and easy the majority of the time, your self-image will suffer.  BOTH of these paths have a snowball effect, taking you higher or lower.  Zig Ziglar said it well, “If you are hard on yourself, life will be easy on you.  If you are easy on yourself, life will be very hard on you.”  I remember a quote from the NBA great Dr. J (Julius Erving) who when asked how he was so consistently successful at basketball, he responded “I demand more from myself than anyone else could ever dream of.”  Good advice.  Take the right path in life, not necessarily the easy one.

If you are raising a family, your own actions will have dramatic effects on the lives of other people (your kids and their kids).  So be true, and be sincere.  The more little things you accomplish, the better you will feel and that will start the snowball. 

Mainstream television and the movies would have you believe that most men are more into their office playoff pool than their families.  That stereotype is played.  It’s time for it to be over.  Dads today are wonderful family men, and loving, strong fathers.  We have lives outside family, but we don’t neglect or avoid our loved ones. 

REAL strong Dads do exist, and we are a large and strong group.  We are coming after these ridiculous stereotypes and we are going to change the way Dads are perceived and portrayed.  It’s in EVERYONE’S best interest to have involved Dads who are praised and recognized for the great job they are doing. 

It’s incredibly challenging to juggle work and family successfully.  Many men are doing it well.  A lot of other men need help and encouragement.  Not to be beaten down or belittled by the media and our society.  The role of the Dad is VITAL, and Dadsworld.com is here to help.

 Thanks for supporting Dadsworld.com and our cause.  We will continue to bring you great stuff on our website, and the Dad of the Month feature is going strong.  Great job Dads!