Here is strategy 4-8 of 12:

“4. PLAY WITH YOUR CHILD

You will learn a lot about your child—and yourself—during play. Playtime gives your child the message “You are worth my time. You are a valuable person.” It is well known that children learn through play. It improves a child’s behavior by giving him feelings of importance and accomplishment. Instead of viewing playtime as a chore, use it to make an investment in your child’s behavior.

Let your child initiate the play

A valuable learning principle that parents should keep in mind is this: an activity initiated by the child holds the child’s attention longer than one suggested by the adult playmate. More learning takes place when the child chooses what to do. Child-initiated play also increases self-worth: “Dad likes to do the things I do!” of course, you may be thinking, “oh no, not the block game again!” or “We’ve read that story twenty times!” That’s the ordeal of parenting. You’ll get bored with The Cat in the Hat long before your child. If you want to bring something new to the same old play activity, add your own new twists as the play continues. Stop to talk about the book: “What would you do if the Cat in the Hat came to our door?” “Let’s turn this block tower into a parking garage.”

Make your child feel special

During play, focus your attention on the child. If your body is with your child but your mind is at work, your child will sense that you have tuned out, and neither one of you benefits from the time together. Your child loses the value of your being with her, concluding that she is not important. You lose the opportunity to learn about and enjoy your child—and to relearn how to play. I remember the fun six-month-old Matthew and I had in our “play circle.” I sat him facing in front of me with a few favorite toys (mine and his) making a circle around him with my legs. This space contained him and provided support in case he, as a beginning sitter, started to topple sideways. Matthew had my undivided attention. He felt special and so did I. Making all those goofy baby noises is fun.

Parents need play

As a busy person, I had a hard time getting down to a baby’s level enjoying unstructured, seemingly unproductive play. After all, I had so many “more important” things on my agenda. Once I realized how much we both could benefit, this special time became meaningful. Play became therapeutic for me. I needed time away from some of those other things to focus on this important little person who was, without realizing it, teaching me to relax. Play helped me to get to know Matthew’s temperament and his capabilities at each stage of development. The child reveals himself to the parent—and vice versa— during play; the whole relationship benefits greatly. Playtime puts us on our child’s level, helping parents get behind the eyes and into the mind of their child. Take time to enjoy the simple pleasures of play.

Play is an investment

Consider playtime one of your best investments. You may feel that you are “wasting time” stacking blocks when you could be “doing something” instead. Some adults panic at the thought and really have to struggle to be able to let go of their grown-up agenda. Of course, you don’t have to play all day long, nor will your child want you to (unless he senses your resistance!). What may seem like a meaningless activity to you, means a lot to your baby. The more interest you show in doing things with your baby early on, the more interest your child will have in doing things with you when he’s older. As your child grows, you can involve him in your play and your work, since being with you is the best reward. Think of it this way—you are doing the most important job in the world—raising a human being.

5. ADDRESS YOUR CHILD BY NAME

What’s in a name? The person, the self—little or big. I can still remember my grandfather impressing on me the value of using and remembering peoples’ names. This lesson has proved profitable. One year I was a pre-med student competing with a bunch of marketing majors for a summer sales job. After I landed the job I inquired why I, though less qualified, had been hired. “Because you remembered and used the names of all of your interviewers.” Addressing your child by name, especially when accompanied by eye contact and touch, exudes a “you’re special” message. Beginning an interaction by using the other person’s name opens doors, breaks barriers, and even softens corrective discipline.

Children learn to associate how you use their name with the message you have and the behavior you expect. Parents often use a child’s nickname or first name only in casual dialogue, “Jimmy, I like what you are doing.” They beef up the message by using the full name to make a deeper impression, “James Michael Sears, stop that!” one child we’ve heard about refers to his whole name as his “mad name” because that’s what he hears when his parents are angry at him. We have noticed that children with self-confidence more frequently address their peers and adults by name or title. Their own self-worth allows them to be more direct in their communication with others. Our two-year-old Lauren dashes by my desk chirping: “Hi, Dad!” The addition of “Dad” impressed me more than an impersonal “Hi!” A school-age child who is comfortable addressing adults by name will be better able to ask for help when needed.

6. PRACTICE THE CARRY-OVER PRINCIPLE

As your child gets older, encourage her talents. She can do well at something, whether as a two-year-old who packs exceptional pretend picnics or a ten-year- old who loves ballet. Over the years, we’ve noticed a phenomenon we call the carryover principle: enjoying one activity boosts a child’s self-image, and this carries over into other endeavors. One of our sons is a natural athlete, but he wasn’t interested in academics. Operating on the carryover principle, we encouraged his enjoyment of athletics while supporting him as he worked on the academics. The schoolwork improved as his overall self-confidence increased. Recognize your child’s special talents, and help her build on them, then watch the whole person blossom.

7. SET YOUR CHILD UP TO SUCCEED

Helping your child develop talents and acquire skills is part of discipline. If you recognize an ability in your child that he doesn’t, encourage him. Strike a balance between pushing and protecting. Both are necessary. If you don’t encourage your child to try, his skills don’t improve, and you’ve lost a valuable confidence builder. If you don’t protect your child from unrealistic expectations, his sense of competence is threatened.

Beware of value-by-comparisons

Children measure their own value by how they perceive others value them. And in our measuring-and-testing society, children’s skills—and therefore their value—are measured relative to others. Your child may bat an exceptional .400 on the softball team, but she will feel inadequate if her teammates are batting .500. Be sure your child believes you value her because of who she is, not how she performs. Do this by giving her plenty of eye contact, touching, and focused attention. In other words, give of yourself regardless of how the game or the achievement test turns out.

Don’t expect your child to excel in sports or music or academics just because you did. The one thing your child can excel in is being herself. She must know that your love for her does not depend on your approval of her performance. That’s a tough assignment for a parent who may have been raised to perform for love and acceptance.

WALL OF FAME

In our Sears’ family gallery of accomplishments, our walls display Hayden’s cheerleading trophies, Erin’s horse ribbons, Matthew’s Little League pictures, etc. Every child is good at something. Discover it, encourage it, frame it, and display it. If your home is missing this wall, your child is missing his moment of fame. If you have a child who is not athletic, try scouting. With Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts everyone wins and everyone gets lots of badges. As children walk by their showcase, they can see at a glance five to ten years of achievement. This gives them a lift, especially during times when their self-worth is faltering.

8.HELP YOUR CHILD BE HOME-WISE BEFORE STREET-SMARTS

Sometime during your parenting career you may run into the idea that a young child should be exposed to children with different values so that he can choose for himself. This may sound good, or at least politically correct, but it just plain doesn’t work. It’s like sending a ship to sea without a rudder or a captain. Only by chance will that ship reach a desirable destination. Children are too valuable to be left to chance.

Screen your child’s friends

The child’s values and self-concept are affected by persons of significance in his life— relatives, coaches, teachers, religious leaders, scout leaders, and friends. It’s up to the parents to screen out those who pull down the child’s character and encourage those that build it. Keep a watchful eye on your child’s friendships. First, let your child choose his own friends and monitor the relationships. At the end of a play experience examine your child’s feelings. Is he at peace or upset? Are the children compatible? Coupling a passive person with a strong personality is all right if the stronger child pulls your child up rather than knocking him down.

While some children will wisely seek out complimentary playmates on their own, sometimes it is helpful to set up your child by purposely exposing him to appropriate peers. Some groups of children just naturally seem to get along well. If your child’s group does not seem to have the right chemistry, it would be wise to intervene. By being a monitoring mom, Martha was able to come to the rescue of one of our children who was being intimidated and blackmailed into stealing money from us. This junior racketeer in the neighborhood was busted because Martha became suspicious of certain phone calls and listened in one day. Our frightened seven-year-old was in way over his head and was greatly relieved when we intervened.

Keep a kid-friendly home

Make your home inviting to your child’s friends. Yes, you will have more messes to clean up, but it’s worth it. Hosting the neighborhood helps you monitor your child; it gives you the opportunity to observe your child’s social style and generally learn more about your child’s personality—which social behaviors are appropriate and which need improving. You’ll be able to make on-the-spot disciplinary interventions, either with your child in a private lesson or in group therapy if the whole pack needs some redirecting.

The roots of a young child’s self-concept come from home and nurturing caregivers. After six years of age, peer influence becomes increasingly important. The deeper the roots of home-grown self-confidence, the better equipped kids are to interact with peers in a way that builds up self-worth rather than tearing it down. They know how to handle peers who are fun to play with and those that give them problems. When children are attachment parented, they are well equipped to manage different environments (home, grandparents, preschool, Sunday school) with different rules very well. For healthy social development, a child first must be comfortable with himself before he can be comfortable with others.

Clinging to homebase

In normal development a child moves out from the known into the unknown. She tries out new experiences in much the same way that an attached infant learns to separate from mother. It is quite normal for a child to retreat periodically into the comfort of the known (her home and family) as she progressively ventures into the jungle of the unknown. It is important for the child to have a strong attachment base. Being shy does not mean that a child has a poor self-image. She needs an extra dose of confidence so that she can follow her own inner timetable in adjusting to new situations and relationships. Parents often wonder what degree of clinging to homebase is normal. Look at the problem over the course of an entire year. If you see no change in the child’s willingness to venture out, that may be unhealthy. But if you see some gradual moving out, then your child is simply a cautious social developer, which is characteristic of sensitive children, who may form a few meaningful and deep relationships, rather than numerous superficial ones. “

Take an active role in your child’s life.  That is the whole point of our website, to encourage parents (especially Dads) to be involved, and to celebrate those who are.  We all thank you!

 Here is Strategy 1-3 of the 12 Ways to help your Child Build self-confidence.  4-12 will follow next week.

Self-esteem is your child’s passport to lifetime mental health and social happiness.

It’s the foundation of a child’s well-being and the key to success as an adult. At all ages, how you feel about yourself affects how you act. Think about a time when you were feeling really good about yourself. You probably found it much easier to get along with others and feel good about them. Parents who want to learn more tips like this can find information about the best online schools out there from Guide to Online Schools.

Self-image is how one perceives oneself

The child looks in the mirror and likes the person he sees. He looks inside himself and is comfortable with the person he sees. He must think of this self as being someone who can make things happen and who is worthy of love. Parents are the main source of a child’s sense of self-worth.

Lack of a good self-image very often leads to behavior problems

Most of the behavioral problems that I see for counseling come from poor self-worth in parents as well as children. Why is one person a delight to be with, while another always seems to drag you down? How people value themselves, get along with others, perform at school, achieve at work, and relate in marriage, all stem from strength of their self-image.

Healthy self-worth doesn’t mean being narcissistic or arrogant;

it means having a realistic understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses, enjoying the strengths and working on the problem areas. Because there is such a strong parallel between how a person feels about himself and how a person acts, helping your child build self-confidence is vital to discipline.

Throughout life your child will be exposed to positive influences builders and negative influences breakers. Parents can expose their child to more builders and help him work through the breakers.

1. PRACTICE ATTACHMENT PARENTING

Put yourself in the place of a baby who spends many hours a day in a caregiver’s arms, is worn in a sling, breastfed on cue, and her cries are sensitively responded to. How do you imagine this baby feels?

This baby feels loved; this baby feels valuable. Ever had a special day when you got lots of strokes and showered with praise? You probably felt like queen for a day and hopefully you behaved accordingly. The infant on the receiving end of this high-touch style of parenting develops self-worth. She likes what she feels.

Responsiveness is the key to infant self-value. Baby gives a cue, for example, crying to be fed or comforted. A caregiver responds promptly and consistently. As this cue-response pattern is repeated many hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times during the first year baby learns that her cues have meaning: “Someone listens to me, therefore, I am worthwhile.” A stronger self emerges.

Of course, you can’t always respond promptly or consistently. It’s the predominant pattern that counts. You will have days when you are short on patience. Babies pick out the prevailing parenting style and form impressions. As baby gets older it becomes important for him to learn how to deal with healthy frustration, as this will teach him to adjust to change. The important thing is that you are there for him; that’s the message on which baby builds his sense of self.

The confidence-building aspects that result from attachment-parenting pay off especially with high-need babies. Because of these infants’ more intense demands, they are at higher risk of receiving negative responses. When attachment parenting produces mutual sensitivity between connected parents and high-need babies, they learn to see themselves in a good light.

Because of responsive nurturing, the connected baby knows what to expect. On the other hand, the disconnected child is confused. If his needs are not met and his cues unanswered, he feels that signals are not worth giving. This leads to the conclusion that “I’m not worthwhile. I’m at the mercy of others, and there’s nothing I can do to reach them.”

We emphasize the importance of early nurturing because during the first two years the baby’s brain is growing very fast. This is the period when a baby develops patterns of associations – mental models of the way things work. The developing infant’s mind is like a file drawer. In each file is a mental picture of a cue she gives along with the response she expects. After a certain interaction, the baby stores a mental image of what happened. For example, baby raises her arms and a parent responds by picking her up. Repetition deepens these patterns in the infant’s mind, and eventually emotions, positive or negative, become associated with them. A file drawer full of mostly positive feelings and images leads to a feeling of “rightness.” Her sense of “well-being” becomes part of baby’s self.

Infants who get used to the feeling of well-being they get from attachment parenting spend the rest of their lives striving to keep this feeling. Because they have so much practice at feeling good, they can regain this right feeling after temporary interruptions. These secure infants cope better with life’s setbacks because they are motivated to repair their sense of well-being, which has become integrated into their sense of self. They may fall down a lot, but they are likely to wind up back on their feet. This concept is especially true for a child who is handicapped or seems to come into this world relatively short-changed in natural talents. Children who do not have this early sense of well-being struggle to find it, but they are unsure of what they are looking for because they don’t know how it feels. This explains why some babies who get attachment parenting in the early years manage well despite an unsettled childhood because of family problems. Consider the famous case of Baby Jessica, the two-year-old who because of a legal quirk was taken from the familiar and nurturing home of her adoptive parents whom she had known since birth, and given to her biological parents who were strangers to her. She is likely to thrive because she entered a strange situation with a strong sense of well-being created by early nurturing. She will spend the rest of her life maintaining that feeling despite the trauma she endured.

Playing catch-up

But what if I didn’t practice all those attachment styles of parenting, you may wonder? Don’t be too hard on yourself. Babies are resilient and, of course, it’s never too late to start building up your child’s self-image. Getting to know your child and seeing things from his point of view will help you help him learn to trust himself. This kind of nurturing cements together the blocks of self-worth, and can also repair them. Still, the earlier the cement is applied, the smoother it goes on and the stronger it sticks.

2. IMPROVE YOUR OWN SELF-CONFIDENCE

Parenting is therapeutic. In caring for your child you often heal yourself. A mother with a high-need baby in our practice once declared, “My baby brings out the best and the worst in me.” If there are problems in your past that affect your present parenting, confront them. Get psychological help if they are interfering with your ability to remain calm and parent effectively.

Heal your past

A child’s self-esteem is acquired, not inherited. Certain parenting traits and certain character traits, such as anger and fearfulness, are learned in each generation. Having a baby gives you the chance to become the parent you wish you had. If you suffer from low self-confidence, especially if you feel it’s a result of how you were parented, take steps to heal yourself and break the family pattern. Try this exercise (therapists call this “passing on the best, and discarding the rest”)

• List the specific things your parents did to build your self-image.
• List the specific things your parents did to weaken your self-image.
• Now resolve to emulate the good things your parents did and avoid the rest. If you find it difficult to follow through with this exercise on your own, get help from a professional. Both you and your child will benefit.

Don’t be too hard on your parents

They probably did the best they could given their circumstances and the prevailing advice of the times. I remember once hearing a grandmother say to a mother, “I was a good mother to you. I followed exactly the schedule the doctor gave me.” This new mother felt that some of her present problems stemmed from the rigid scheduling that she endured when she was a baby. She was determined to learn to read her baby’s cues. I reminded her not to blame her own mother because the prevailing parenting practice at the time was to follow the “experts’” advice on childrearing. The mother of the 90’s, however, is more comfortable becoming the expert on her own child.

Polish your mirror

No one can put on a happy face all the time, but a parent’s unhappiness can transfer to a child. Your child looks to you as a mirror for his own feelings. If you are worried, you can’t reflect good feelings. In the early years, a child’s concept of self is so intimately tied up with the mother’s concept of herself that a sort of mutual self-worth building goes on. What image do you reflect to your child? She will see through a false facade to the troubled person beneath. Matthew, on a fill-in-the-blanks tribute to his mother, wrote: “I like being with my mother most when she’s happy.” Children translate your unhappiness with yourself to mean unhappiness with them. Even infants know they are supposed to please their parents. As they get older, they may even come to feel responsible for their parents’ happiness. If you are not content, they must not be good (or good enough). If you are experiencing serious problems with depression or anxiety, seek help so that you can resolve these feelings before they affect your child.

3. BE A POSITIVE MIRROR

Much of a child’s self-image comes not only from what the child perceives about herself, but from how she thinks others perceive her. This is especially true of preschoolers who learn about themselves from their parents’ reactions. Do you reflect positive or negative images to your child? Do you give her the idea that she’s fun to be with? That her opinions and desires matter to you? That her behavior pleases you?

When you give your child positive reflections, he learns to think well of himself. He will also willingly rely on you to tell him when his behavior is not pleasing. This becomes a discipline tool. “All I have to do is look at her a certain way, and she stops misbehaving,” said one mother. She had saturated her child’s self awareness with positive feelings, and the youngster was used to the way he felt being on the receiving end of these strokes. When mother flashed a negative reflection, the child didn’t like the feeling it produced. He changed his behavior quickly to regain his sense of well-being.

Be realistic

You can’t be up and smiling all the time and still be human. Your child should know that parents have down days, too. Children can see through fake cheerfulness. Your sensitivity toward him will increase his sensitivity toward you, and someday he may be the one lifting your self- confidence.

Putting Humpty-Dumpty Back Together Again

You spend the early years building your child’s self-confidence. You spend the later years protecting it. Many thin-skinned children need protection from situations they find overwhelming. I was examining five-year-old Thomas for his school-entry physical. Thomas was a sensitive child whose mother had spent years helping him build a strong sense of self-worth. We were engaged in a philosophical discussion of the long-term benefits of attachment parenting and Thomas was understandably bored. He began hanging on my scale—an expensive scale that is built into the top of the examining table. My first thought was the safety of my table. To me it was more at risk than Thomas, so I firmly asked, “Thomas, would you please stop hanging on the scale?” Just as Thomas was about to crumble from my unintended put-down, his mother interjected a saving, “…because you’re so strong.” She knows how to get behind the eyes of her child.

Learn what kinds of peer pressure teens face, who’s most vulnerable, and how to help your son or daughter resist.

By Elizabeth Heubeck
Reviewed by Varnada Karriem, MD

Remember when your teenager took her first steps as a toddler? You hovered behind her — back bent, arms spread — prepared to catch her should she fall. Much as you might like, you can’t shadow your adolescent as you did back then, being there to break her fall when she missteps.

But, say experts, there are steps you can take to support your adolescent in the face of teen peer pressure. Follow them and you’ll rest easier when your teen heads out of the house on a Friday night.

Teen Peer Pressure: What’s Being Pushed?

So, just what high-risk behaviors might your adolescent feel pressured to engage in? Plenty, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which periodically conducts surveys on health-risk behaviors among youth. The latest survey results indicate that teen peer pressure is real. Many adolescents are engaging in behaviors that place their health at risk — including cigarette smoking, alcohol consumption, illegal drug use and sexual activity. And in all likelihood, their peers are pushing them to try these behaviors.

Here are some of the survey’s findings.

Smoking. By the time adolescents are just 13, one in five has tried smoking. Close to 25% of high school students smoke cigarettes.

Alcohol use. Two-thirds of teens between the ages of 14 and 17 have tried alcohol. Of teen boys who have tried alcohol, 20% did so by the time they were 12. Episodic, or binge drinking, is also fairly common. Of the adolescents aged 12 to 17, one in four said they’d had five or more drinks consecutively within the past month. Almost a quarter of drinkers aged 16 to 21 admitted to driving after drinking.

Drug use. Slightly more than 25% of adolescents aged 14 to 17 have used illegal drugs. One-third of young adult marijuana users aged 18 to 21 started using the drug by the time they turned 14.

Sex. About one in every three kids aged 14 to 15 has had sexual intercourse. Of sexually active teens, almost 30% used no birth control during their last sexual encounter.

Well-documented risky behaviors aren’t the only ones teens may feel pressure to try. Health professionals who work with adolescents report other equally troubling behaviors that may not be as common, but are, nonetheless, on the rise. And they point to teen peer pressure as a culprit.

Consider teens’ ardent attempts to emulate unrealistic body ideals. “There’s a lot of peer pressure to have your body look a very specific way,” says Lauren Solotar, PhD, chief psychologist at May Institute in Massachusetts. While the desire to look “fit and thin” is more pronounced among girls, she notes that many boys as young as middle-school age are on the quest for “six-pack” abs. “It’s scary, all the push and the pressure,” Solotar says.

Intentional self-injury, in some instances provoked by teen peer pressure, is also on the rise. “It’s a method of coping with difficult emotions,” says Alec L. Miller, PsyD, chief of Child and Adolescent Psychology at Montefiore Medical Center/Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York. “There seem to be some peers who are engaging in this behavior [slashing their arms], and persuading others to try it.” For example, a survey conducted at Lincoln-Sudbury Regional High School in Massachusetts during the 2004-05 school year, based on the CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey, revealed that 20% of high school students had intentionally hurt themselves within the past year.

Identifying Vulnerable Teens

When it comes to determining who will succumb easily to teen peer pressure, there’s no single profile.

Some experts say those who are socially adrift are the most likely candidates. “Teens who are prone to social isolation, and have less of a cohesive sense of self, will do things to feel connected,” Miller says.

But others say adolescents who seem like the least likely suspects are actually the most susceptible to teen peer pressure. “Popular kids tend to be the most vulnerable. They pay attention to what their peers value. And at 14 or 15, when their peers value experimenting with alcohol, they’re going to be right there,” says Joseph P. Allen, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia.

Why Teens Fall Prey to Peer Pressure

Kids’ personal traits aside, many experts agree that simply being of middle-school age is one of the leading causes of peer pressure. “Developmentally, these kids really want to conform,” Miller says.

Headstrong children who have known few parental limits in their lives are increasingly vulnerable to peer pressure during the middle-school years. “I see young kids who are strong and willful who have gotten away with a lot,” says Michelle M. Forcier, MD, head of adolescent medicine at Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago. “Then parents suddenly panic because the risk-taking behavior is now about more serious things.”

How society is set up also makes adolescents conducive to teen peer pressure, some experts say. “If you go back 40 or 50 years ago, adolescents were much more likely to be integrated with adults, to be more a part of adult society,” Allen says. That has changed, he notes, and there’s now a much stronger emphasis for teens to socialize with peers. “It’s an independent youth culture, where values don’t come from parents. There’s no real connection to adult values,” Allen concludes.

Making Your Child Resilient to Teen Peer Pressure

In spite of adolescents’ vulnerability and the strong influence of peers, parents can exert a positive influence on their adolescents’ decision-making processes, offering them ways to combat the effects of peer pressure. Experts explain how.

• Keep communication lines open
  Talk to your kids — and don’t wait until they’re teens. Healthcare professionals, counselors, and educators agree unanimously that open communication between parents and their children helps youth better manage teen peer pressure. “It’s not too early to have an honest conversation about drugs, sex and other pressures when your child is in fifth grade,” Miller says.Dialogue that starts early pays off in the long run. “The kids who weather the decision-making process are those who can talk to their parents, no matter what the issue, and who know that even if their parents don’t approve of it, they will listen and help them make a decision that makes sense to them,” Forcier says.

  Research supports this theory. Teens who report learning a lot about the risks of drugs from their parents are up to 50% less likely to use drugs than those who say they haven’t learned a lot about drugs from their parents. That’s according to results of an annual, nationwide survey of teens in grades 6 through 12, conducted by Partnership for a Drug-Free America and reported by Tom Hedrick, senior communications officer and founding member of the association.

• Practice peer pressure scenarios
  Teen peer pressure may come as a surprise to your child. Out of the blue, he may be offered a cigarette or a swig of alcohol, and he may have no idea how to respond. You can help prepare him for these scenarios. “Find a calm period, prior to or during early adolescence, and role play,” Solotar suggests. “It’s much easier to manage a situation if you’ve already thought it out.”
• Listen to your teen’s perspective
  Express your personal opinions, but don’t let them shut down communication, advises Forcier. “You want to make clear to your adolescent what you believe in. But if you shut down on certain topics, your kid won’t come to you as a trusted adult,” Forcier says. She offers the example of the parent who adamantly refuses to discuss birth control with her 15-year-old daughter. “These kids are the ones we often end up seeing for pregnancy tests,” Forcier says.
• Keep inviting your kids into your life
  “There is a natural break [between teens and their parents], and it should happen. But I tell parents to keep inviting kids to do things. Kids want their parents to maintain the relationship,” Allen says. He warns that it may take some creativity and effort on the part of the parent. “You might have to find new ways to relate to your kid,” he says. He suggests trying to find mutual, life-long interests to share with your adolescent, like playing tennis or cooking together.
• Think beyond punitive responses
  A parent’s initial reaction to an adolescent who comes home inebriated may be to punish. But, ultimately, that’s not a solution to the real problem. “A punitive response doesn’t get at what you need to change the behavior,” Forcier says. “If a teen is 14 and she’s drinking, there’s probably a good reason for it. If you address it, maybe she won’t need the alcohol.”

Here are the top mistakes parents make with their teens and tweens, and how to avoid them.

By Joanne Barker

Things aren’t the way they used to be. Your 12-year-old no longer comes to you first when she feels hurt or disappointed. When your son misses curfew — again — the time-out corner that used to work wonders is now simply, lame. As your child grows into adolescence, you need to adapt your tried-and-true parenting skills to a rapidly changing world.

As tempting as it might seem, don’t throw away everything you know about your child — or yourself as a parent. Your teenager may seem like a stranger in your home, but behind the slammed doors and mood swings, she is still your child. You will face many unknowns in the years ahead. What you can expect is that your limits will be tested and your patience will, at times, wear thin. Here are the top mistakes parents make with their teens and tweens, and how to avoid them.

Teen Parenting Mistake # 1: Expect the Worst

Teenagers get a bad rap, says Richard Lerner, PhD, director of the Institute for Applied Research in Youth Development at Tufts University. Many parents approach raising teenagers as an ordeal, believing they can only watch helplessly as their lovable children transform into  unpredictable monsters. Expecting the worst sets parents and teens up for several unhappy, unsatisfying years together.

“The message we give teenagers is that they’re only ‘good’ if they’re not doing ‘bad’ things, such as doing drugs, hanging around with the wrong crowd, or having sex,” Lerner tells WebMD. Raising teenagers with negative expectations can actually promote the behavior you fear most. According to a recent study conducted at Wake Forest University, teens whose parents expected them to get involved in risky behaviors reported higher levels of these behaviors one year later.

Lerner urges parents to focus on their teenagers’ interests and hobbies, even if you don’t understand them. You could open a new path of communication, reconnect with the child you love, and learn something new.

Teen Parenting Mistake #2: Read Too Many Parenting Books

Rather than trusting their instincts, many parents turn to outside experts for advice on how to raise teens. “Parents can tie themselves into knots trying to follow the advice they read in books,” says Robert Evans, EdD, executive director of the Human Relations Service, Wellesley, Mass., and author of Family Matters: How Schools Can Cope with the Crisis in Child Rearing.

“Books become a problem when parents use them to replace their own innate skills,” Evans tells WebMD. “If the recommendations and their personal style don’t fit, parents wind up more anxious and less confident with their own children.”

Use books (and articles like this) to get perspective on confusing behavior and then put them down. Spend the extra time talking with your spouse and children, getting clear about what matters most to you and your family.

Teen Parenting Mistake #3: Sweat the Small Stuff

Maybe you don’t like your daughter’s haircut or choice of clothes. Or perhaps she didn’t get the part in the play you know she deserves. Before you intervene, look at the big picture. If a certain mode of self-expression or set of events does not put your child at risk, give her the leeway to make age-appropriate decisions and live with the results.

“A lot of parents don’t want growing up to involve any pain, disappointment, or failure,” Evans says. But protecting your child from the realities of life robs her of the opportunity to take chances and learn from her mistakes while she’s still under your roof. Step back and let your child know you’re there when she needs you.

Teen Parenting Mistake # 4: Ignore the Big Stuff

If you suspect your child is using alcohol or drugs, do not look the other way. Parents should address suspected drug or alcohol use right away, before it escalates into a bigger problem, says Amelia M. Arria, PhD, director of the Center on Young Adult Health and Development at the University of Maryland School of Public Health.

“The years when kids are between 13 and 18 years old are an essential time for parents to stay involved,” Arria tells WebMD. Parents might consider teen drinking a rite of passage because they drank when they were that age. “But the stakes are higher now,” she says.

More drugs are available today, illegal drugs and legal medications. For example, cough remedies with DXM (dextromethorphan) have become a new drug of choice for some teens. DXM is easy to get and teens and parents alike underrate its potential dangers. Studies show that between 7% and 10% of U.S. teens have reported abusing cough medicine to get high. Although safe when used as directed, DXM can cause hallucinations and disassociations similar to PCP or ketamine (Special K) when used in excessive amounts, as well as rapid heartbeat, unconsciousness, stomach pain, and vomiting.

Watch for unexplained changes in your teen’s behavior, appearance, academic performance, and friends. If you find empty cough medicine packaging in your child’s trash or backpack, if bottles of medicine go missing from your cabinet, or if you find unfamiliar pills, pipes, rolling papers, or matches, your child could be abusing drugs. Take these signs seriously and get involved. Safeguard all the medicines you have: Know which products are in your home and how much medication is in each package or bottle.

Mistake #5: Rule With an Iron Fist, or Kid Gloves

Some parents, sensing a loss of control over their teens’ behavior, crack down every time their child steps out of line. Every day brings a new punishment. The home becomes a war zone. By contrast, other parents avoid all conflict for fear their teens will push them away. They put being a cool parent ahead of setting limits and enforcing rules. For these parents, discipline is a dirty word.

The first style of parenting focuses on obedience above all else. Although the house may run like a tight ship, teens raised in rigid environments don’t have the opportunity to develop problem-solving or leadership skills.

Yet too little discipline does a disservice to teens as well. Teenagers need clear structure and rules to live by as they start to explore the world outside. It is up to parents to establish their household’s core values and communicate these to their children through words and consistent actions. Lerner calls this being an authoritative parent, an approach that “helps children develop the skills they need to govern themselves in appropriate ways.”

Your Child Is Your Child, Through Thick and Thin

Raising teenagers isn’t always easy or smooth, especially when testing parents’ authority is part of growing up. Some days, faced with one teenage eye roll too many, you may wonder if it’s even worth trying.

Keep in mind that your influence runs deeper than you think. Most teens say they want to spend more time with their parents. And teens choose friends that have their parents’ core values. Keep making time for your child throughout the tween and teen years. Even when it doesn’t show, you provide the solid ground they know they can always come home to.