Hitting, sharing, time-outs, etc.

My wife and I have been experimenting with different ways to get our (almost 3 year old) son to stop hitting our (eight month old) daughter.  It is a very frustrating process to say the least.  I don’t think that a day goes by that he doesn’t walk up to her (out of the blue) and smack her.  We could be having a great time playing catch or playing with hot wheels and he will turn and see her, walk over and “smack.”  He hits her. 

Usually it’s not a dangerous hit, more of a slap really.  But yesterday he threw a heavy toy at her and hit her in the back of the head.  She was in her supersaucer, minding her own business while I was playing with him.  I turned to say “hello” to her and he picked up a big musical triangle toy that has yellow, blue and red handles (it’s quite heavy for a toy) and threw it at her, hitting her in the head.  This caused her to scream and cry, of course, and her mother and I to put him on a time-out with a heavy scolding.

I know he felt bad about it because he talked about it the rest of the evening, and even woke up this morning telling me he “broke Haley’s head.”  He obviously feels remorse, and he does love her.  We lavish him with praise when he does nice things for her, and always make a big deal out of his random acts of kindness.  He will often go up to her and hug her for no reason, or go and pick up toys she has dropped and hand them to her.  He will occasionally just go give her a nice kiss on the head and go back to what he was doing.  But he still hits her.  I know this is very normal behavior, but it is still extremely frustrating for several reasons.

First, I don’t want him to hurt her, or injure her.  Second, as parents, you feel bad when you have to come down hard on your kids, even when they deserve it.  I don’t like punishing him, I would rather he be his cute little sweet self all the time.  But we all know that’s not going to happen.  So, how do you correct the behavior?  Or do you simply have to wait for the stage to pass and him to grow out of it? 

Well, I do a lot of reading of parenting books, magazines and websites that are full of opinions on how to deal with behavior issues like this.  I have not yet spanked him when he does things like this, although my wife has one time.  I don’t know how effective spanking is, although my wife and I were both spanked as children and turned out fine (in my opinion!)  Plus, it seems odd to me to teach him not to hit his sister by spanking him for doing it.  A little duplicitous in my book.  Although sometimes a swift swat feels like just the thing to do. 

I usually just put him on a time out (which involved explaining what he did wrong, separating him from the rest of us for 2-3 minutes and then having him apologize for what he did), or take away a toy or his blanket for a period of time.  I am finding that time-outs are not that effective at changing his behavior.  He understands why he is getting them, even apologizes to me (or my wife) and his sister, but he will turn around and commit the same offense shortly afterword.  Taking things away from him, things that matter, seems to be more effective currently. 

So, that’s the path we are on right now.  A violent act toward his sister (hitting her or throwing things at her) results in a time-out and him losing something that he desires.  Toys is where we are going to start.  I will keep you posted on how this works out.

One of the frustrating things for my wife and I is that we know his outbursts are partially (or wholly) motivated by jealousy.  He doesn’t like her getting attention, or taking attention away from him.  He is learning (the hard way) that we have to share.  Share toys, time, attention, etc.  It is a difficult lesson for a toddler. 

We always wanted more than one child for a number of reasons, but one of them is for the benefit to each of them.  They will have a sibling to confide in for the rest of their lives, and that is something that my wife and I enjoy and want for our kids.  When you are young you can play and talk about things, and as you grow older you have someone you love that you can count on.  You’re family.  So it’s upsetting when he acts this way, because before she came along and he was all alone, he behaved very sweetly the vast majority of the time. 

And so goes the job of the parent, dealing with ever changing issues that have no easy solution.  But I wouldn’t trade any of it.  The depths of emotion (highs and lows) and love that you feel as a parent are unequalled in anything else.