Outdoor Adventures Yield Learning Opportunities – from the National Fatherhood Institute

We’ve been encouraging you to take advantage of the nice spring weather and engage your kids in outdoor activites (or indoor when it’s raining!) Not only will this create fun memories for you and your kids, but getting outside together brings some great learning opportunities. As you are spending time with your kids, wherever you are, look for the teachable moments – whether it’s educational or character building.

Here’s some “teachable tips” for outdoor activities for you to do with your kids as we wrap up April Adventures.
Teachable Tips for Outdoor Activities:

Stargazing and Astronomy: Grab jackets for everyone and a blanket to sit on and take the kids outside to enjoy the night sky. This article has some great tips for stargazing with kids. Get a star map and find constellations together. Teach your kids about the phases of the moon, too.

Horticulture and Gardening: Help your kids learn about types of plants, how they grow, and how to care for them by planting a garden together. If that’s more than you want to take on, try some of these fun, easy, kid-friendly gardening projects suggested by Family Fun. If you don’t have a green thumb, a trip to a local garden will provide an educational fun outing. Find one near you.

Finances and Yard Sales: Make spring cleaning fun by challenging your kids to choose a certain number of old clothes and toys they don’t use to sell at a yard sale. Let them keep the proceeds. Having a yard sale is a great way to teach your kids about being grateful for what they have and some basic financial principles.

Sportsmanship and Games: As you’re playing games with your kids, take advantage of the opportunity to teach them how to be a good sport. Following the rules, taking turns, encouraging others, and not boasting when you win or pouting when you loose are all part of good sportsmanship. Praise your kids when they exhibit good sportsmanship, and when they don’t, talk about what they should do better next time.

Hard Work and Projects: As you work on projects in your yard or garden with your kids, help them understand how hard work, dilligence, and doing something to the best of their ability yields results later.

Fitness and Fun: And of course, as you and your kids are having fun and playing outside together, there’s the added benefit of fitness! Being active is an important part of being healthy, and by encouraging your kids to get outside and play, you’re helping them develop good fitness habits.

Spring is nearly here. The pasty white skies, drizzle, and snow will soon be just a thing of the past. If you’re like me, your kids are eager to get out of the house and do something, something which doesn’t involve soaking wet socks and layers of jackets. Now’s a great time to take advantage of the warmer weather and gear up for a little quality time. If after reading these, you are still interested in finding activities to do with your kids, head over to Dad Blogs.org where you will find more great ideas from dad bloggers.

Yard Camping

If your kids are younger than tweens, you can probably excite them with this relatively low-stress activity. Yard camping involves all the excitement of camping that kids enjoy–sleeping outside! campfires!—with less of the pain that actual camping involves. You won’t have to escort scared little ones to far away bathrooms in the middle of the night or field complaints about a lack of delicious drink and food.

The secret of a successful yard camping adventure is to prepare as if you were actually far away from home. Prepare a fire, if possible, get camp-type food, and drink hot chocolate out of tin mugs. Put up the tent and extract the sleeping bags from the attic. A battery-powered boom box is always a good bet, and a scary story or two can come in handy. The beauty of yard camping is that you’ll always have the house right there should anybody desperately need something inside.

Tie Dye

Old t-shirts, white sheets, socks—these are all excellent candidates for becoming tie dye masterpieces. Tie dye is a great spring activity because it’s best done outside (unless you’re interested in giving your living room carpet a new look). It’s also easy, and takes a bit of time, but not an intense amount of concentration.

I suggest buying a tie dye kit or two; Amazon always has several options. The kits come with rubber gloves, dye bottles, dye packets, rubber bands, and instructions. Beware, most kits require you to presoak whatever you are dying in a warm water and soda ash solution—this allows the dye to stick to the fabric and lets your creations stay vibrant longer. You’ll also need a plastic tarp or tablecloth for covering your work surface, to keep the dye off. Then you’ll just need a creative vision and a towel rod or clothes pin to achieve that swirly look (the dye kit will give you a step-by-step).

Paint a Mural

Another great excuse to spend some time outdoors? Painting! You and your kids could team up on one large piece of art, or you could each have your own surface for a bit more individuality. Large pieces of plywood or other relatively smooth-surfaced woods are low-cost options for the surface of your mural.

Decide how much time and energy you want to put into this project, before you invest in paints and brushes. Want a quick weekend creation that will be forgotten promptly? Then cheap tempura paints are fine. Have little artists on your hands that will spend hours agonizing over their work? You can consider painting a base coat of white latex paint, then purchasing acrylics (available at any big box store) to use over this base. Acrylics are easy to clean and get out of most clothing. For paintbrushes, you’ll need one or two large, flat brushes for covering large surfaces, and round brushes of medium and smaller sizes for getting the details. After putting down the latex base, you and/or your kids can pencil in the outline for what the basic gist of the mural will be.

Berry/ Fruit Picking

Strawberries, cherries, blueberries, strawberries: these are some of the crops that will be ready to harvest in spring and early summer, depending on where you live. U-pick and pick your own farms around the U.S. make it easy to spend a morning outside, loading up baskets of delicious fruit. In my experience, kids love this activity, even if you worry that it might be too boring or tedious. Mine always competed about who could load up the most fruit—so much that we had to tell them to slow it down (the farms charge by the weight of your haul).

Wear old clothes and comfy shoes, and pack a big hat or sunglasses. Bring smaller baskets or containers for your kids to load their fruit in (some farms charge a fee for containers). Don’t forget the sunscreen. And snacks, drinks, and baby wipes are always good to have on hand.

Sources

Instructables

Pick Your Own

Having “emergency cash” is the first stage. It’s having $5-7,000 liquid for life’s inconveniences (the furnace going out, the car needing work, etc.) When faced the inevitable challenges that arise, many people are forced to run their credit cards to make it through. They become stuck with high interest rate, non-tax deductible borrowing.

Stage 2

The second stage is the elimination of “bad debt.” I define “bad debt” as any debt whose interest is not tax deductable. Obviously, those high interest rate credit cards must be the first to go. But, we also want to divest ourselves of the borrowing associated with car loans, student loans, and personal loans because it typically can be done cheaper.

Stage 3

Shockingly, when you arrive at stage three, you will be considered in the top 5% of Americans in terms of financial security. Stage 3 is accomplished when you have 3-6 months of your total expenses in reserves. The average American has less than 1 month in reserve! When life shows them a minor inconvenience (like a job loss, an illness, or worse) most people are in a panic situation. With 3-6 month’s reserves, you will have time to weigh options and make better choices.

Stage 4

True financial security is attained when you become “debt free.” But not without debt. I consider you “debt free” when you have enough liquid assets to pay off whatever mortgage they have outstanding. Wealth building accelerates utilizing the tax benefits of having a mortgage in combination with strategies that utilize the 3 miracles of money…

My next post will be about the 3 Miracles of Money!

Thanks for supporting Dadsworld!  Be sure to follow us on twitter: @dadsworld

Is your teenager rebelling, defying your curfew, or hanging out with questionable kids? Here’s how to nip behavior problems in the bud.

By Christina Frank
Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD

To be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting a teenager was going to be easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it’s tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell yourself, your teenager will never talk back, stay out too late or pierce her eyebrow. Online masters degree programs are one of the options for learning more about these kinds of topics.

Dream on.

Teenagers are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their parents, says Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children’s Hospital in Boston. “Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively,” he explains. “It’s the task of the teenager to fire their parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers.”

But that doesn’t mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized fashion.

Teen Behavior Problem 1:

Your Teen Seems To Hate You

One minute your sweet child is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you’ll see that you’ve been through this before, when she was a toddler — only instead of shouting “no!” like a two-year-old would, a teenager simply rolls her eyes in disgust.

“It’s so hard for parents when this happens,” says Nadine Kaslow, PhD, a psychologist specializing in kids and families at Emory University in Atlanta. “But part of adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject their parents in order to find their own identities.” Teens focus on their friends more than on their families, which is normal too.

Your Solution

Sometimes parents feel so hurt by their teens’ treatment that they respond by returning the rejection — which is a mistake. “Teenagers know that they still need their parents even if they can’t admit it,” says Goldman. “The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they’re feeling internally.” As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.

But no one’s saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you; when this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” By letting your teenager know that you’re here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he’ll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

Teen Behavior Problem 2:

Communication Devices Rule Their Lives

It’s ironic that teenage forms of communication like instant messaging, texting, and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today’s world, though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but unkind. “Being networked with their friends is critical to most teens,” says Goldman.

Your Solution

Look at the big picture, advises Susan Bartell, PhD, an adolescent psychologist in New York. If your child is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it’s probably best to “lay off.” It’s also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no “texting” or cell phone calls during dinner. Some parents prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep.

One good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills. And do your best to monitor what your child does when he’s online, particularly if he or she is using networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. You still own the home and computer — so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Teen Behavior Problem 3:

Staying Out Too Late

It’s 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again?

“Part of what teens do is test limits,” explains Goldman. “But the fact is that they actually want limits, so parents need to keep setting them.”

Your Solution

Do some research before insisting that your child respect your curfew because it’s possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few of your kids’ friends’ parents and find out when they expect their kids home. Goldman suggests giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set consequences — such as no going out at night for a week.

If it seems like your child is staying out late because she’s up to no good, or doesn’t feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with what’s typical in your teen’s crowd, then it’s time to set consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can’t bluff teenagers — they will always call you on it.

Teen Behavior Problem 4:

Hanging Out with Kids You Don’t Like

You wince every time your son traipses through the door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say something?

Your Solution

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent kids, says Bartell, who advises parents to hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids’ friends. “Teenagers are so attached to their friends that it’s like criticizing them directly.”

On the other hand, if you know that your child has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. “Without putting him on the defensive, tell your child you’re concerned about who he’s hanging out with and that you’re worried he’s doing drugs,” says Bartell. While you can’t forbid your child to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Teen Behavior Problem 5:

Everything’s a Drama

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door.

Part of being a teenager is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Your Solution

Parents tend to trivialize the importance of things in teenagers’ lives, says Bartell: “What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously.”

Don’t offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she’ll see how silly high school romances are. “Just listen and sympathize,” says Bartell. And put yourself in her position — because, after all, you were once there yourself.

Dadsworld encourages parents to be involved with their children from day 1, which will go a long way in earning your childs love and respect.

My oldest son turned 15 this year and is entering his second year of High School starting in September.  His summer consisted of visits to the shore along with a few day trips with friends, events, sleepovers, etc… The rest of his time would be spent at home with normal daily activities.  Often, I would hear his complaints about being bored throughout the day with “nothing to do”.  Sound familiar?   

 As some parents may know, the teenage years can be a tumultuous time and spending with their parent(s) may be viewed as “wasted” or “boring”….Suddenly, Dad is no longer the “SuperHero” that he once was.  Your son may not even wish for your presence in front of his friends, or better yet, nor within public view.  This can be quite disappointing.  However, being aware of the above, I was not going to let it remove my cape.   I wanted to be conducive in keeping our bond, therefore, before he becomes too enveloped with his own friends and activities at the commencement of his school year, I figured a small change in his environment may leave a nice memory.  I too recall having the same feelings during this age, however, what I found to be most memorable were my travels to see my family overseas in Italy.  

So, I decided to take him to Italy to see some of the country, but most importantly, to meet our family. We stayed within the homes of our relatives throughout our whole trip, in which I must add that the powerful love and bond of my family is quite unique in its own way.  We went and toured throughout cities like Roma and Latina.  We went to the town of where we originated from in the mountainous Apennine region of Central Italia, then headed off to the wonderful beach town of Pescara (on the Adriatic) to conclude our father-son trip.   Throughout our travels, I would tell him of my experiences and stories of each and every turn that I made in my life there.  I realize that most of what I had to say may not have not garnered much interest nor curiosity, however, I felt that he needed to hear it nonetheless.  There were also times that he may have found it “boring” especially if we were sitting at a table in conversation.  Grant it, my son does not speak Italian (yes, it’s my fault) so I would have to concur with his dilemma there.  However, beneath all the layers of being a “teenager”, I felt that this particular adventure was most important for the awareness of where his roots originated.  He needed to see and understand that there is a much bigger world than what may be deemed as a repetitive day at home.  He also needed to be with our relatives who embrace and love him as a son/brother and to show him why he carries the name of my Grandfather, the Stalwart of our family. 

In retrospect, the experiences that we shared in this trip may not impact him until later.  And I am fine with this since it is only one brief moment in our lifetime.  However, even a former SuperHero can still come up with a special feat with the hopes of it one day to be added to the legend and lore that he created once upon a time….

By Joanne Barker
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

As kids get older, keeping them safe can get complicated. While separating from parents can be healthy, teens are notorious for bad, sometimes dangerous decisions. Parents face a troubling dilemma: Do the dangers of teen drug abuse override the right to privacy?

Parents typically do one of two things in the face of possible teen drinking or drug use. “Some parents overreact, but a large number of parents don’t do anything,” says Steve Pasierb, president and CEO of The Partnership at Drugfree.org. “They hope it’s a phase. They hope it goes away.”

Even though they can’t control everything, parents do play an important role in their teen’s decisions. Kids who learn a lot about the risks from their parents are up to 50% less likely to use drugs. Despite this, only 31% of kids say their parents have taught them about the risks of drugs.

Before you pull a search warrant, keep in mind that going through your teen’s stuff carries its own risks. “If a parent violates a teen’s privacy, the kid is more likely to be stuck in a state of defiance,” says Susan Swick, MD, MPH, director of the Parenting At a Challenging Time (PACT) program at the Vernon Cancer Center, Newton Wellesley Hospital in Massachusetts. “Ideally, children should feel like parents are on their side,” Swick tells WebMD. As many parents know, this is not always easy.

In this article, WebMD turns to several experts to help parents navigate the fine line between teens’ right to privacy and parental protection.

Before Invading a Teen’s Right to Privacy

“If a parent is concerned about their child’s behavior, there probably is something going on,” says Swick, who is also an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital. “But it may not be what they think.” Something other than alcohol or drugs could be fueling your child’s behavior. It could be your child is depressed, struggling at school, or thinking about coming out of the closet. No matter what’s going on, it’s good to find out directly from your child — if possible.

“Parents should talk to their child before resorting to detective work,” Swick tells WebMD. No matter what is going on, talking will be a big part of helping your child through it. If you do find something that confirms your worst fears, you will be in a better position if you can say, ‘we talked about this, and I was still seeing things that concerned me. As your parent, I am not going to ignore signs that you might be in danger.’”

The most effective communication is as common as getting ready for school. “The scary ‘Drug Talk’ never goes well,” says Pasierb. Rather than a talk both of you are going to dread, he recommends an ongoing dialogue that lets your child know where you stand on drug use. “Open communication is about things parents say every day, on the way to soccer practice or while watching TV,” Pasierb tells WebMD.

Reasons Parents Overlook Teen Drug Abuse

There are plenty of reasons parents may be tempted to ignore signs of teen drug or alcohol abuse. “Shame and stigma around addiction play a heavy role,” says Kim Manlove. After their 16-year-old son died as a result of drug use, Manlove and his wife, Marissa, started a support group for other parents. “A lot of the parents we work with think they have failed as a parent if their child has a drug problem,” says Manlove.

Many parents don’t raise the subject, thinking they don’t know enough about drugs. If this is the case, time at the library or on web sites such as www.drugfree.org can build the knowledge and confidence to start talking. Other parents dread their teenager’s response if they question possible drug use. Teen brains are uniquely primed to react to even the most innocent comments, even facial expressions, with explosive bursts of emotion.

For parents who avoid conflict, the promise of an emotional outburst may seem an impossible hurdle. “Teens are more comfortable being in opposition with their parents,” says Swick.  But getting involved when you suspect teen drug or alcohol abuse is worth the discomfort. Parents who intervene early in teen drug or alcohol abuse can significantly reduce the possibility their child will become addicted.

When to Worry about Cough Medicine Abuse

Parents and teens tend to discount cough medicine abuse because it is legal and easy to purchase. That’s a mistake, says Pasierb. “Cough medicine is rarely a kid’s drug of choice…,” he says. Once is enough for half of the kids who try it. “The teens who abuse cough medicine more than once are typically engaged in multiple forms of drug abuse,” Pasierb tells WebMD.

Chances are, if you see any signs of teen drug or alcohol abuse, your child has moved beyond simple experimentation. “By the time parents see signs, it’s usually the tip of the iceberg,” says Manlove. Your child may play it down but if you find empty bottles or drug paraphernalia in his things, there is a strong possibility that not only is he using, he’s losing control of the ability to hide it from you.

The Role and Power of Parents

You cannot control every aspect of your child’s life, especially as she enters the teen years, but you do play an important role. In a survey of more than 2,000 teenagers and 450 parents, the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA) found that teens with strong ties to their parents were less likely to use drugs or alcohol.

Respecting your role as your child’s protector might help you work through the privacy question. “Any substance use is a risk to your child’s health,” says Pasierb. “If parents are trying to understand the threat of drug or alcohol abuse to their child’s health, and they have a strong suspicion, it makes sense to look into it.”

Involve Your Child in the Solution

In the end, what you do if you do find evidence of drug use is more significant than whether you override your teen’s right to privacy. If she could do it over again, Manlove would take a more collaborative approach to her son’s drug abuse. “I wish I had said to him, ‘I’m really worried about what I’m seeing. I want to be here to work with you and find a solution together.’”

Swick recommends just such an approach to the parents she works with. “You don’t want to leave your child feeling isolated and panicked,” she says. Whatever you do or say, letting your child know she can lean on you should be a big part of the message. “If possible, your child should feel somewhat relieved to be able to talk to you,” Swick says

9. Lose labels

“I’m asthmatic,” seven-year-old Greg proudly said to me when I inquired why he came to my office. Indeed, Greg did have asthma, but the physical problem was much easier to treat than the emotional side effects of his label. A few puffs of a bronchial dilator and his wheezing cleared, but his label persisted. I mentioned privately to Greg’s mother that there are two issues to address in any child with a chronic illness: the problem itself, and the child’s and family’s reactions to the problem.  Parents may  look into a psychology degree online when they want to learn more about topics like this.

Every child searches for an identity and, when found, clings to it like a trademark. “Asthmatic” had become Greg’s label, and he wore it often. His whole day revolved around his ailment, and his family focused on this part of Greg instead of on the whole person. Instead of feeling compassion, Greg’s brothers and sisters had become tired of planning their lives around Greg’s asthma. They couldn’t go on certain trips because Greg might get too tired. It became a family illness, and all, except Greg, were put into roles they didn’t like. People who want to learn more tips such as this can find information about the best online schools out there from Guide to Online Schools.

To take away Greg’s label would be to take away Greg’s self-esteem. So, we made a deal. I would treat Greg’s asthma; the family would enjoy Greg, and we all worked at giving “the asthmatic” a healthier label to wear.

10. MONITOR SCHOOL INFLUENCES ON YOUR CHILD

Schools can be hazardous to a child’s emotional health. School choice (if you have one) needs to be carefully considered. The connected child who enters the school arena with peers from various upbringings and degrees of attachment will have a set of expectations that he may not find at school. Children meet the challenges of a new social group with different behaviors. If a child is securely attached to his caregivers and armed with a strong self-image, he may not be disturbed by these different behaviors. He may stick cheerfully to his own style of play. Or, he may be frustrated, creating stress on his emerging personality. If his self-confidence is shaky, a child may view aggressiveness or bullying as normal and make these behaviors part of himself or allow himself to be victimized.

Around age six, when your child begins elementary school, other adults become influential in her life. These are people who are around your child enough to influence her behavior and model values. Once upon a time persons of significance in a child’s life came primarily from within the extended family, but in today’s mobile society a child is likely to have a wider variety of peers and persons of significance. This means that today’s parents need to be vigilant as to who is modeling what behavior to their children. Here is where there is confusion in the ranks of parents as disciplinarians. There are two extremes. On the one side are the parents who feel it’s healthy for children to experience a lot of different value systems while growing up so that they will be more open-minded as adults. On the other side are parents who want to protect their child from all outside influences and any ideas that may differ from their own beliefs. This child grows up in a bubble-like atmosphere.

Somewhere between these two extremes is the right answer for your child. Throwing a child into the melting pot of diverse values at too young an age, before she has any of her own values, may produce a child who is so confused that she develops no conscience and no standing value system. Parents who overprotect may end up with a child who cannot think for herself, leaving her vulnerable to challenges or so judgmental that she condemns anyone with different beliefs. Somewhere in the middle is the parent who grounds the child in a firm value system and guides her as she encounters other value systems. The child, because she has a strong value system to begin with, is better able to weigh her parents’ value system against alternatives and develop her own firm code of values. It may be different from the parents’. It may include many of the parents’ values with a sprinkling of alternatives learned from peers or teachers. But the important thing is that the child has a value system from which to operate. He is not a leaf hurried downstream in the river that takes the path of least resistance, overflows its bounds, and eventually drains into a large sea of uncertainty. Many children flounder, sometimes for the rest of their lives, searching for values that should have been formed in infancy and early childhood.

Parents, don’t be misled by the complacent term “latent” applied to middle childhood. This is not the time to sleep and get careless. This is the age in which your children build consciences and learn your value system. In fact, it’s the only time in their entire life when they unquestionably, at least early in that stage, accept their parents’ value system. Slowly they form their own standards through interaction with peers, other families, and teachers, and through neighborhood relationships and church/synagogue friendships. They discover a larger world with a variety of beliefs and behaviors. As they talk (endlessly) and observe and experiment in a variety of situations, they learn about how they will choose to act and react. Trying belatedly to impose your values on a teenager whose main developmental task at this stage is to identify his own values is difficult. The best way to get your values across is to “walk your talk” by living your values.

11. GIVE YOUR CHILD RESPONSIBILITIES

Children need jobs. One of the main ways children develop self- confidence and internalize values is through helping maintain the family living area, inside and out. Giving children household duties helps them feel more valuable, besides channeling their energy into desirable behavior and teaching skills. Try these tips:

Enter the work force early. Beginning around age two, children can do small jobs around the house. To hold a child’s interest, choose tasks the child has already shown an interest in. Our two-year-old, Lauren, had a thing about napkins, so we gave her the dinnertime job of putting napkins at each place. A mother in our practice told us: “I couldn’t keep our three-year-old away from the vacuum cleaner. So I gave him the job of vacuuming the family room. He kept busy and I got some work out of him.” Starting between ages two and four, a child can learn the concept of responsibility to self and to parents and for his personal belongings. Once he learns a sense of responsibility for these things, a sense of responsibility to society will come naturally in the next stage of development.

By three years of age, a child can be taught to clean sinks and tubs (using a sponge and a small can of cleanser). Young children love to scrub. Three’s and Four’s love to sort laundry into darks and lights. At five, the child can be doing dishes every night. Teach him exactly how you want them handled (for example, excess food in the garbage, dishes rinsed, and then put in the dishwasher). Be sure to use unbreakable cups and plates and put messy pans in the oven to be cleaned later by an adult.

By seven, a child can be cooking at least one meal a week from start to finish. Teach him how to fix his favorite meal and let him learn how to pick out the ingredients at the market. Encourage school-age children to make their own lunch. Besides giving them a sense of responsibility for their own nutrition, they are more likely to eat what they make. Once taught, the child can be left alone in the kitchen—no hovering mother. Relax and talk to your mate.

Give special jobs

Call a job “special” and it’s more likely to get done. Whatever magical ring the word “special” has, it sure gets results. Perhaps a child infers that “I must be special because I get a special job.” A four-to five-year-old can have preassigned chores, with reminders, of course. To put some order in our busy house we announce: “It’s tidy time.” Try assigning one room for each child to tidy up. Children at all ages suffer a bit of work inertia, especially as tasks wear on and lose their fun appeal. But sometimes children need to learn that work comes before play. To get them started, work with them.

Create job charts

Make this a creative activity for a family meeting. List the jobs to be done, and let each child choose and rotate if they want. We divide jobs into paying, extra- credit jobs they can earn money for, and nonpaying or those that are naturally expected of the children for the privilege of living in our home. Expect to pay a higher price on the most unwanted jobs. Best is to pay immediately after the work is responsibly done, since children are immediate-reward oriented. In the next stage of development, from five to ten years, children can make the connection that with increasing privileges come responsibilities. When we decided to get a family cottage, the deal was that Saturday mornings would be family fix-up time at the cottage, and only after the work was completed would the recreation begin.

Plant a family garden

Planting a garden teaches children that they reap what they sow. During our family garden phase, when our children were younger, we tied in caring for a garden and caring for them: Water the plants and they grow nicely, keep the weeds away and the flowers bloom better.

Other jobs boys and girls love and do well when first taught alongside a parent include: washing the car, sweeping outdoor living areas and sidewalks, gardening, vacuuming, dusting, and baby tending. By seven or eight they can put in a load of laundry, and by ten they can be doing their own laundry. When children have jobs in the home, not only are parents relieved of some of the busywork, but children feel they are contributing to a cause. They feel useful and needed. And the energy they spend on the home becomes an investment they are making into the value system of that home.

12. ENCOURAGE CHILDREN To EXPRESS, NOT STUFF, THEIR FEELINGS

Expressing feelings comfortably does not mean the child is free to explode at every emotional twinge, but rather develops a comfortable balance between expressing and controlling feelings. She should eventually be able to keep a lid on her emotions when needed, but not so tightly that she can’t remove the lid in a “safe” setting, such as exercising (i.e., run like mad to blow off steam), or with a trustworthy friend. All babies freely express their feelings. Maturity develops through years of learning how to stay calm in difficult situations. A child with unbridled emotions becomes a brat. A person who never expresses emotions becomes too reserved. Too much control or too much emoting will both produce problems in adult life.

Stuffing feelings doesn’t do any good for the child, the parents, or the relationship. It tells the child that you are threatened by her feelings or she gets the message that you don’t care to understand her feelings. The child picks up on your attitude and learns that expressing or even having feelings is not okay. The child decides that the feelings that accompany the ups and downs of her daily life are not worthwhile. In a child’s logic, if her feelings are not worthwhile, she is not worthwhile. If this unfeeling pattern repeats itself over and over, the child quickly learns both to suppress the feelings and especially to hide them from her parents.

Even more devastating than being uncaring is responding to a child’s feelings with anger messages, “I don’t want to hear any more bellowing about that stupid fish!” The fear of parents’ reactions to her feelings turns a child into a feeling stuffer.

on the positive side, picture what happens when a child feels free to express herself and a parent accepts her feelings. Consider this example: “Daddy, the necklace Grandma gave me for my birthday broke.” Dad stops what he is doing and focuses on his child, looking into her eyes and placing his hand around her shoulder. He says, “I’m sorry. That was such a special necklace.” Both his verbal and his body language convey: “I am available to you; your feelings are important to me. You are important to me.” His reaction frees the child to tell him more about her feelings and to work through them by talking to him. Instead of retreating into her shell or erupting into a tantrum, she has been given a way to express her sorrow. And he has boosted her self-worth by accepting her feelings, which are a reflection of herself.

DO YOU OWE YOUR CHILD SELF-ESTEEM?

Parents may misunderstand the meaning of self-esteem and feel that this is just one more thing they are required to give their child along with regular meals and a warm winter jacket. They guard against anything that may undercut self-esteem – to the point where it becomes ridiculous. (”oh, Billy, you don’t really sing flat. You’re just tonally challenged.”) They measure self-esteem daily, as one might take a temperature. (”Julie’s self-esteem is low today. Her big brother beat her at checkers last night.”)

Every infant whose needs are met has self-esteem built in. Like an arborist caring for a tree, your job is to nurture what’s there, do what you can to structure your child’s environment so that she grows strong and straight, and avoid whittling away at the tender branches. You can’t build your child’s self- esteem compliment by compliment, activity by activity. Parents are already overloaded with guilt because they may not be doing enough to foster their child’s self-worth. You don’t need a degree in psychology to raise a confident child. Much of parenting is easy and fun. Hold your baby a lot, respond sensitively to her needs, enjoy your baby. Then sit back and enjoy the person whose self-esteem is developing naturally.