Here is an excellent little poem by Diane Loomans.  I have had it in a box for several years, and thought this blog was an appropriate place to bring it back.

If I had My Child to Raise Over Again,

I’d finger paint more, and point the finger less.

I’d do less correcting, and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less, and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I’d run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging, and less tugging.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I’d teach less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.

A very informative study was done to determine the needs of children.  Here are the top responses:

1- They wanted to feel like somebody special in the eyes of their parents.  How do you make a child feel special?  Tell them, and show them by listening to them and spending time with them.

2- They wanted their parents to treat them in a warm and friendly manner, just like they treat people outside the family.  Children are very sensitive to being treated as if they are less important than the parents friends, co-workers, and even complete strangers.  Treat your family well.  Don’t be nice to everyone else and rude to your kids.

3- Children want to know they are important to their parents.  Are you involved with your children?  Stop, put down what you are doing and focus on them.  “Do less FOR me and more WITH me” was the most popular phrase among teens.

4- Children want their parents to KNOW them.  Kids, especially teenagers, are constantly changing and re-inventing themselves.  Keep knowing them.  “Please understand me,” “spend time with me,” were common statements by teens. “Take the time to know me.”

5- Children want to express their views and know that they are valued.  Empower your kids.  Ask them, “What do you think?”  “How would you solve this?” “What would you do?”  This makes kids feel important.  I benefited from this tremendously as a kid myself.

6- Children want to go to school with kids they relate to.  They see the parents as very powerful in deciding where they live and where they will go to school.

7- Children want to be a part of a HAPPY family.  How much do you laugh together?  What is the overall tone at your home?  Is it happy and fun?

8- Teens want their parents to “lighten up.”  Many adults are too serious about themselves which makes them more negative and less fun.

9- Children want to learn more about their own emotions, so they need a safe environment to be able to express themselves.  They shouldn’t have to worry about being attacked (verbally or physically) for expressing their views.

Remember, we instill the same values in our children that we have and exibit ourselves.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  You can’t have happy, fun, intelligent kids if you are negative, depressed, worried and irritable.

Simple ways to make your children feel special:  Smiling, hugging, holding, praising, spending time with and listening to them.  Really listening to them helps build their self-esteem.  Key.

Help your children lead purposeful lives.  Show them that there is a purpose to commited relationships.  There is a purpose to school.  There is a purpose to life.  Lay a foundation of values because your children will make choices based on these values.  You won’t always be there to guide them, but the value system that you teach them will be.

 We went to dinner last night with friends.  We had our 2 young children and they had their 5 year old daughter.  About 10 minutes before we left the restaurant, a group came in and sat in the booth adjacent to ours.  They had a boy, who was around 4 years old, who stood on the seat and faced us.  He was distracting to us and even touched my son on the head once.  I motioned to him to turn around, which his mother saw, but he did not.  The mother did nothing.  She tried once to have him turn around, only to be rebuffed by his whining, so she let it go.  I seethed at the lesson that the boy was learning, and the lack of manners the parents tolerated.  The boy controls his parents, with his attitude.

I see more parents letting their kids get away with poor behavior because it’s just a hassle to deal with them.  I am so sick and tired of this attitude!  If you are a parent, you darned well better BE THE PARENT!  Act like it.  Teach your children manners and do not tolerate poor behavior that bothers other people.

It’s like the whole attitude of “entitlement.”  It is becoming increasingly rare for people to take responsibility, and not blame someone else.  Just last week in our local news, a family visited a State Park at the Oregon Coast.  They had a 3 year old daughter who (while posing for a picture) fell through a wooden fence, nearly falling 150 to the rocks below.  I read in an interview where the mother said, “The more I thought about it the angrier I became.  A State Park is supposed to be safe…”  I wonder how many hundreds of thousands of families have visited that park over the years, without 1 small child falling through the fence.  (There are even signs warning you to stay away from the edge.)  But her reaction was to BLAME someone else.  I guess ALL fences in the general public need to be child-proof.  Right?  We might as well pad the entire world, or some child might fall down, bump their head and get hurt.  It’s absolutely ridiculous that people can’t take responsibility for themselves.  I am so angry about the entitlement mentality.  More and more people seem to be “victims” and incapable of caring for themselves and their children in the real world.

If you ever watch the show, Supernanny, which I comment on occasionally, one thing you will notice is that she never works on the kids.  She works on the PARENTS.  Incompetent people, bad follow-through and poor communication skills lead to most parenting problems.  It all starts with your philosophy.  Be the parent.  Your kids will be so thankful in the long run, and so will the rest of us who have to deal with them.

Let’s get rid of this outrageous “what about me, where’s mine” entitlement mentality and start being self-reliant, competent citizens.  As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life.” 

Parenting is a huge challenge.  Parents, good one’s, are hero’s.  Here are some thoughts on the subject: 

Praise your children 5:1 over criticizing.  Most parents criticize 8:1 over positive feeback and praise. 

Learn patience.  This is a skill I work on everyday.  Having 2 young children with their own schedules and emotional swings will test your patience.  You owe it to them to be steady, calm and fair.  Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.  Combine a general lack of quality sleep with financial stress and throw in a misbehaving toddler and a crying baby, and you have a recipe for an angry outburst.  Don’t let it happen.  Become a student of your own tolerance and boiling points.  Discipline yourself to take it, and come back with a smile.  This is one of the hardest aspects of parenting.  PATIENCE.

Ignore advice from people who don’t have children.  They don’t know what they don’t know.

Live life every day to it’s fullest.  Never forget that you won’t ever get this time with your kids back.  Someday they will be living on their own.  You won’t get the years you are together as a family back, so make the most of them.  Life is brief, even at the longest.  Cherish your kids.

Create your family philosophy, and teach your kids what you stand for (and won’t stand for.)  Successful families are value driven.  They create clear-cut expectations, goals and roles for each member of the family. 

Put your family first.  In today’s society with television, ipods, personal computers and all the other influences, family togetherness often takes a back seat.  Make time to be together and communicate with each other.  Talk to any adult and they will most likely tell you their best memories growing up are times spent with their families. 

You are a role model for your children.  Be the kind of role model that teaches them to make responsible decisions, and accept responsibility for their actions.  This is perhaps the most important job of parenting. 

Learn about nutrition.  Your child’s energy level, fitness and performance in school and even their behavior is largely impacted by their nutrition.  Vitality is an important part of life!  Don’t forget about this point in regards to yourself as well.

Here is a list of goals for you, the parent:

Be strong, but not rude. 

Be bold, but not a bully. 

Be thoughtful, but not lazy. 

Think, but also act. 

Be kind, but not weak or a pushover. 

Be humble, but not timid. 

Be proud, but not arrogant. 

Be ambitious, but not greedy.

Here is some good advice I heard from Jim Rohn: “Be wary of what you become while in pursuit of what you want.  Never compromise your virtues.”